I'm not sure how it's the middle of December already but the end of the year is quickly approaching. As I look at the date, I find myself thinking back on the year and all it's brought to me and my family.
As 2011 became 2012, I remember spending time with very close friends of ours. I cried as the clock struck midnight, scared and unwilling to face an entire year without Corbin. 2011 was filled with such amazing joy and horrendous sorrow. We found out we were having a baby, we found out we were having Corbin and we got to meet him a little earlier than expected. We also had a friend who became an angel too soon, our son became an angel, my grandma got really sick and almost joined Corbin on Christmas and my grandpa was almost scammed out of $3,000. We decided 2012 couldn't be nearly as bad as 2011 and my husband and I vowed to make it so.
At the end of January, my husband and I went to the Bahamas simply to get away from everyone and everything. It was a wonderful vacation filled with beautiful weather and no plans. We sat on beach chairs and stared at the ocean for hours on end. It was exactly what I wanted and exactly what we needed.
Then came the big decision to put our house on the market and move to a new one. In the end, we only moved a few miles from where we previously lived but we felt it was the time for us to move. While we miss our old neighbors, we're very happy with our decision. We've been spending the past few months turning this house into our home. We've got a long way to go but we're getting there.
October 28th was Corbin's first birthday. Before we left for our Mediterranean cruise, we went to visit him, sang happy birthday, left presents, released balloons and ate chocolate cupcakes. We then headed to Chicago to begin the first leg of our 10 day Mediterranean cruise.
The trip was an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity. It wasn't relaxing by any means but we saw a lot of beautiful places and things. When we were in Corfu, Greece, we visited a church where a little old woman was handing out candles. We lit a candle for Corbin on his 11 month angelversary in heaven. We visited several other churches afterwards that had candles you could light. We started calling them "Corbie Candles." Candles were light in Greece, Rome, Sicily and Sorrento. Our little angel is always with us.
Corbin's one year angelversary was on December 3rd. My husband and I both took the day off of work, unsure of how the day would go and knowing we would be useless at work. We visited Corbin and ended up going to Michael's and purchasing a display case for his special things. We spent the afternoon going through his things and putting them in the case. In his case is the outfit we brought him home from the hospital in, his favorite paci, his 3D hand and foot sculpture, the lock of his hair and the card from his funeral. Later in the evening, we watched the video of all the pictures we had of him that was set to special music that we played during his service. We cried at first and then laughed at his goofy faces and poses and remembered all of his quirks. It was an emotional day but we some how made it through.
By many accounts, 2012 has been a much better year than 2011. I still feel lost, my heart is still shattered and I still don't recognize the person I see when I look in the mirror but I keep on going day by day. I hope 2013 is as kind as we face yet another year without our Corbin.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Favor I Ask
Think about the following question and then think about how many times you've been asked it and then in turn, how many times you've asked it yourself........do you have any kids? This question is asked when you go to the dentists office. It's asked when you're getting your haircut. Business lunch with a new client? Yep, it's asked then too. Even at a get-together at a friend's house, when you start talking to someone you've never met before, it's asked.
Now think about how you answer. If you have living children, you say yes. You may go into whether you boys or girls, what their names are and their ages. If you don't have children and you want it that way, you say NOOOOOO in a heartbeat. It's a simple question right? Right?
Now think of a parent who's child is an angel. How are they supposed to answer this question. Say no and you feel like you deny your child's existence. There can also be the follow-up of "well why not?" or "oh, you totally should, being a parent is the best feeling in the world!" Simply say yes and the follow-up question of "boy or girl? how old are they?" and "what's their name," gets asked. Now the angel parent makes the person asking uncomfortable.
I've tried several different approaches to answering this question. Simply saying yes leads to the follow-up questions. I can answer the gender question just fine, even his name is easy. How old is he? That's a tough one. I've answered with "we have a son but he doesn't live with us," and then I feel like this person automatically assumes CPS took him from us or I'm divorced and wasn't awarded custody. I answered that way once when we were looking at a house and the neighbor came out to talk to us to explain why there was part of a fence but not the whole thing. I decided I can never answer like that again.
I cannot deny my son and will never deny my son. I've tried answering yes and when the "how old?" question comes around I've tried saying "he will always and forever be 5 weeks and 1 day old." It's apparently not as obvious as one would think. The answer I've found tends to work the best, at least for me, is "we have a son who's an angel in heaven." If you don't add the "in heaven" part then people simply think you think your child is the best in the world and super good.
I'd like to begin a movement and this is where the favor comes in. I move we stop asking this question. When it become normal to include this question in normal, getting to know you, chit-chat. Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? How do you know the person you just asked that question to hasn't been desperately trying for a child for years? Maybe their child just became an angel. Maybe they recently got divorced over this very issue. You just never know. So if you work in a profession where this question gets asked a lot (dentists and their hygienists, sales people and hairdressers come to mind), don't ask it. If you meet someone for the first time, don't ask it. Just don't ask it. You have no idea how hard it can be for a lot of people to answer that question.
Now think about how you answer. If you have living children, you say yes. You may go into whether you boys or girls, what their names are and their ages. If you don't have children and you want it that way, you say NOOOOOO in a heartbeat. It's a simple question right? Right?
Now think of a parent who's child is an angel. How are they supposed to answer this question. Say no and you feel like you deny your child's existence. There can also be the follow-up of "well why not?" or "oh, you totally should, being a parent is the best feeling in the world!" Simply say yes and the follow-up question of "boy or girl? how old are they?" and "what's their name," gets asked. Now the angel parent makes the person asking uncomfortable.
I've tried several different approaches to answering this question. Simply saying yes leads to the follow-up questions. I can answer the gender question just fine, even his name is easy. How old is he? That's a tough one. I've answered with "we have a son but he doesn't live with us," and then I feel like this person automatically assumes CPS took him from us or I'm divorced and wasn't awarded custody. I answered that way once when we were looking at a house and the neighbor came out to talk to us to explain why there was part of a fence but not the whole thing. I decided I can never answer like that again.
I cannot deny my son and will never deny my son. I've tried answering yes and when the "how old?" question comes around I've tried saying "he will always and forever be 5 weeks and 1 day old." It's apparently not as obvious as one would think. The answer I've found tends to work the best, at least for me, is "we have a son who's an angel in heaven." If you don't add the "in heaven" part then people simply think you think your child is the best in the world and super good.
I'd like to begin a movement and this is where the favor comes in. I move we stop asking this question. When it become normal to include this question in normal, getting to know you, chit-chat. Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? How do you know the person you just asked that question to hasn't been desperately trying for a child for years? Maybe their child just became an angel. Maybe they recently got divorced over this very issue. You just never know. So if you work in a profession where this question gets asked a lot (dentists and their hygienists, sales people and hairdressers come to mind), don't ask it. If you meet someone for the first time, don't ask it. Just don't ask it. You have no idea how hard it can be for a lot of people to answer that question.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Life and a rainbow
It feels like it has been forever since I've written a new post. Life has been so crazy lately and I haven't had a chance to write.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Giant Step
Sorry I haven't written any new posts lately. Life has been extremely hectic and I haven't had a chance to write.
Last weekend I took a giant step. Yes, most if not everything I do on a daily basis these days is a giant step but this one in particular was huge.
We have very good friends and neighbors of ours who's baby is in the NICU and has been since January 24, 2012. He's had a long and difficult road but right now is doing great. These friends have been super supportive of us during this time and we've done the best we can to be as supportive of them as we can be. Last weekend I told them that I wanted to come to the hospital and visit their son again. I had only been up to see him once since he was born and that was months ago.
The four of us went out to lunch and then my husband and my neighbor's husband went to see a movie. The 2 of us girls went to the cemetery to visit Corbin since she hadn't had a chance to visit him yet and then we went to the hospital to see their son. I sat there and watched mother and child interact for a while and then (and I'm still surprised at myself that I did this), I asked if I could hold him! And I did!
You might think, what's the big deal? You simply held a baby. This may not be a big deal to most but this was the first child I've held since we lost Corbin. I had talked to Corbin about it before and he told me if I was going to hold another baby, it was ok to hold our neighbor's because as he always puts it "He's only my best friend on Earth!"
I cried, I sobbed, I wept. Tears streamed down my face. The emotional toll it took on me was insane. It felt good to hold a baby - my arms have been aching for so long, but it also made me miss Corbin that much more. I remembered the happy times when I held Corbin and also remembered the very last time I held him after he had left this earth. I was happy this baby was with us but sad that mine wasn't.
The nurse our friends had that day was a nurse we had when we were in the NICU and she was one of our favorites. She said I looked familiar but couldn't place it. I told her where she knew me and what happened. As I sat there holding our friend's child and bawled, she patted my back and talked to me. It was very sweet of her to do that. At one point our friend's baby fell asleep on my chest and his little hand was on the pendant I wear with Corbin's name and hand print and foot print on it. It was as if he understood the connection.
I never imagined I could ever hold a child again that wasn't my own. I never imagined that at just slightly over 6 months I would do what I did but I knew if ever there was a situation where everyone would be ok with how I reacted and if ever there was a baby that wasn't mine I would hold, it was him. And I'm glad I did it.
Last weekend I took a giant step. Yes, most if not everything I do on a daily basis these days is a giant step but this one in particular was huge.
We have very good friends and neighbors of ours who's baby is in the NICU and has been since January 24, 2012. He's had a long and difficult road but right now is doing great. These friends have been super supportive of us during this time and we've done the best we can to be as supportive of them as we can be. Last weekend I told them that I wanted to come to the hospital and visit their son again. I had only been up to see him once since he was born and that was months ago.
The four of us went out to lunch and then my husband and my neighbor's husband went to see a movie. The 2 of us girls went to the cemetery to visit Corbin since she hadn't had a chance to visit him yet and then we went to the hospital to see their son. I sat there and watched mother and child interact for a while and then (and I'm still surprised at myself that I did this), I asked if I could hold him! And I did!
You might think, what's the big deal? You simply held a baby. This may not be a big deal to most but this was the first child I've held since we lost Corbin. I had talked to Corbin about it before and he told me if I was going to hold another baby, it was ok to hold our neighbor's because as he always puts it "He's only my best friend on Earth!"
I cried, I sobbed, I wept. Tears streamed down my face. The emotional toll it took on me was insane. It felt good to hold a baby - my arms have been aching for so long, but it also made me miss Corbin that much more. I remembered the happy times when I held Corbin and also remembered the very last time I held him after he had left this earth. I was happy this baby was with us but sad that mine wasn't.
The nurse our friends had that day was a nurse we had when we were in the NICU and she was one of our favorites. She said I looked familiar but couldn't place it. I told her where she knew me and what happened. As I sat there holding our friend's child and bawled, she patted my back and talked to me. It was very sweet of her to do that. At one point our friend's baby fell asleep on my chest and his little hand was on the pendant I wear with Corbin's name and hand print and foot print on it. It was as if he understood the connection.
I never imagined I could ever hold a child again that wasn't my own. I never imagined that at just slightly over 6 months I would do what I did but I knew if ever there was a situation where everyone would be ok with how I reacted and if ever there was a baby that wasn't mine I would hold, it was him. And I'm glad I did it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Answers to Questions
Sorry that I've been MIA for a while. My husband and I have decided we're going to put our house on the market and we've been busy preparing the house. It's been exhausting but also nice to have a bit of a distraction. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post where I asked all of you to ask me any questions you may have for me. Thank you to all of you that asked questions.
What have you done with Corbin's things?
All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him. That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib. His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top. His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it. When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.
Are we going to try to have another baby?
Yes. We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday. Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another. We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.
Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?
Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet. I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there. We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there. I also can't go to a toy store. I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.
What is a typical day like for you?
I get up at 5:30 during the week. I work from 6-3:30 normally. After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything. I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most. I take Granger for a walk everyday. If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.
How often do you go to the cemetery?
It sort of depends. Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by. We try to go at least once a month but it varies.
When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?
Yes. They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart. They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him. They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing. We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." I'll be honest. At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover. I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.
Are things getting better for you?
I don't like to use the word "better." It just doesn't seem to fit the situation. We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it. As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise. The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart. I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.
Again, thank you for asking these questions. If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you for all your love and support.
What have you done with Corbin's things?
All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him. That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib. His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top. His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it. When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.
Are we going to try to have another baby?
Yes. We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday. Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another. We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.
Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?
Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet. I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there. We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there. I also can't go to a toy store. I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.
What is a typical day like for you?
I get up at 5:30 during the week. I work from 6-3:30 normally. After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything. I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most. I take Granger for a walk everyday. If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.
How often do you go to the cemetery?
It sort of depends. Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by. We try to go at least once a month but it varies.
When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?
Yes. They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart. They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him. They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing. We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." I'll be honest. At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover. I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.
Are things getting better for you?
I don't like to use the word "better." It just doesn't seem to fit the situation. We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it. As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise. The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart. I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.
Again, thank you for asking these questions. If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you for all your love and support.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mother's Day
So this coming Sunday is Mother's Day. For many women, it's a wonderful day to be celebrated for all that you do as a mother. You get cared for, spend time with your children and enjoy gifts from your children showing their love for you. You may get a hand-made card or gift they spent so much time and effort on.
This will be the first Mother's Day without my son and I'm dreading the day so much. My family is missing one very important member and it won't be a day of spending time with all of them. I know that regardless whether Corbin's here with us or not that I'm always and forever his mother, it's just that a day devoted to mothers and all the special things mothers do for their children seems like torture to a mother that no longer gets to do all the "mommy things" mothers love to do. I won't get a card from him saying how much he loves me and is thankful I'm his mommy. I'm hoping that day that I get several angel kisses and that he watches over me even more than normal. I miss him so much and would give anything to have him with us again so I could do the "mommy things" I never realized I really wanted to do. Hoping the day goes quickly and passes without too much pain.
This will be the first Mother's Day without my son and I'm dreading the day so much. My family is missing one very important member and it won't be a day of spending time with all of them. I know that regardless whether Corbin's here with us or not that I'm always and forever his mother, it's just that a day devoted to mothers and all the special things mothers do for their children seems like torture to a mother that no longer gets to do all the "mommy things" mothers love to do. I won't get a card from him saying how much he loves me and is thankful I'm his mommy. I'm hoping that day that I get several angel kisses and that he watches over me even more than normal. I miss him so much and would give anything to have him with us again so I could do the "mommy things" I never realized I really wanted to do. Hoping the day goes quickly and passes without too much pain.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Q & A
I haven't written in a while because I haven't been able to develop topics. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life from this point forward and hoping I can survive the impending "Mother's Day" that I know will be very difficult. Several people have asked me questions and I know several more questions exist. As a thank you for all the support we've received over the last 5 months, I'd like to open up this blog to questions. You may post them below or send me a private message in Facebook if you'd like to remain anonymous. I'll wait a few days and then answer any questions you may have. Can't wait to see what everyone asks?
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Stop and Think
It's Saturday which typically means a pretty busy day for most of us. There's errands, housecleaning, maybe a child's sports game, a get together with friends. After you finish reading this, I'd like everyone to stop what they're doing for even a minute and think.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Sunset
When you begin the journey that I'm on you find that there are several things out there that you can do as a memorial to your child. One of the big things several loss mommies I know have done is get what's called "The Sunset Picture."
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Surprise!
Today is the anniversary of our first surprise. Most of you don't know what today is. Sure, it's Thursday and April 12th. You know what today is but have no idea the meaning today has for me. On this day last year, we found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had always said we weren't going to have kids. We were perfectly happy being the cool aunt and uncle and sort of adopting our friends' kids as our own. Little did we know we had both changed our minds.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
4 Months
4 months ago today was the last time I held my son. That's 1/3 of a year. Think of all that has transpired since 4 months ago. Christmas came and went and a New Year was upon us. I turned a year older. Babies were born and winter turned to spring. Flowers have bloomed and temperatures have climbed. Normally I love when the temperatures get warmer because that means no more shoveling or bundling up to take Granger for a walk. I find that I no longer like the beautiful weather. The beautiful weather brings more people outside and mommies pushing strollers with their little ones inside. I can't help but think that that mommy should be me.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Future, Hopes and Dreams
It is often difficult for me to even think about the future when most times it's simply a struggle to deal with the present. There are times when I think of the future and it's met with such sadness. Sadness of a life without my Corbin there. I do know that every day he's with me, guiding me through the present and leading me into the future. He's the most amazing little boy who does so much for me, my husband and others every day of his angel life.
I do think of the future sometimes with hope. I even wear a ring on my pinky finger now that says "hope" on it. I look at it often to remind myself to have said hope. I hope to have more better days than bad. I hope to adjust to the "new normal" I now face. I hope to hold a baby - any baby, even if it's not mine. I hope to have a child my husband and I can love and watch develop into an amazing adult and reach all the milestones we'll never get to experience with Corbin here on earth. This hopefully future child will know all about their big brother, as he will always be a part of our family.
I dream of a happier future than the present. I'm not "down" all the time but I wouldn't exactly say I'm "up" either. I'm going to be guest writing for a new online magazine dealing with loss that will be launching in May 2012. I've already written my first article and can't wait to see it online for the world to see. In the future I plan on finish the writing of our story that I started after Corbin became an angel. I'm not 100% what I'm going to do with that writing once it's finished but I may look to have it published as there isn't much literature out there for people experiencing such tragic loss. We're participating in the March of Dimes Walk for Babies on April 28, 2012 (Corbin's 6 month birthday) which raises money for babies in the NICU as well as research and education. I hope to do more events like this and help raise money for a cause very near and dear to our hearts in Corbin's honor.
I know that no one knows their future. That's why it's called the future. My hope, my dream, and my wish is to find peace, learn to live and have the baby to hold that my arms ache for. No one could ever take the place Corbin holds in my heart. Always and forever.
I do think of the future sometimes with hope. I even wear a ring on my pinky finger now that says "hope" on it. I look at it often to remind myself to have said hope. I hope to have more better days than bad. I hope to adjust to the "new normal" I now face. I hope to hold a baby - any baby, even if it's not mine. I hope to have a child my husband and I can love and watch develop into an amazing adult and reach all the milestones we'll never get to experience with Corbin here on earth. This hopefully future child will know all about their big brother, as he will always be a part of our family.
I dream of a happier future than the present. I'm not "down" all the time but I wouldn't exactly say I'm "up" either. I'm going to be guest writing for a new online magazine dealing with loss that will be launching in May 2012. I've already written my first article and can't wait to see it online for the world to see. In the future I plan on finish the writing of our story that I started after Corbin became an angel. I'm not 100% what I'm going to do with that writing once it's finished but I may look to have it published as there isn't much literature out there for people experiencing such tragic loss. We're participating in the March of Dimes Walk for Babies on April 28, 2012 (Corbin's 6 month birthday) which raises money for babies in the NICU as well as research and education. I hope to do more events like this and help raise money for a cause very near and dear to our hearts in Corbin's honor.
I know that no one knows their future. That's why it's called the future. My hope, my dream, and my wish is to find peace, learn to live and have the baby to hold that my arms ache for. No one could ever take the place Corbin holds in my heart. Always and forever.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The perspective
I was talking to a very dear and close friend of mine the other day who currently has a son in the NICU (he's doing great but a long way to go yet). We started talking about how certain events in your life can cause you to gain a new perspective. I'd like to share with you mine.
There are so many things in life that I used to think were important but now realize they're simply not. I've spent years trying to establish a career that I would find both rewarding and also one that would make a lot of money. Believe me, money is still good. Bills do have to be paid but it's now more important to me to have a job or career I truly like and would be flexible for hopeful future life changes. Complaining about your boss, or how you got passed over for yet another promotion or being upset that you don't make X just simply isn't important.
Good friends and family contribute more to a happy life than anything else in the world. Take the time to get together with friends you keep meaning to but don't because you claim to be too "busy." When you really think about it you're aren't as busy as you think. Make people who mean the world to you a priority. You never know when you won't have that time anymore.
Facebook can be a total waste of time most of the time. Yes, it's great to be able to get back in touch with people you haven't talked to in years. It's also a great way to get news out to a lot of people at once. But you can get sucked into it and waste hours of your day reading a bunch of statuses and for what? Think of what you could be doing with your time.
It's ok to focus on doing what's best for you. It's not considered selfish. Too many people focus on what other people think of them and do what they feel others want them to do. Who cares what people think? Especially strangers. No one else lives your life or knows you entire life story like you do. Everyone has been through something and everyone deals with it in their own way.
Life is precious, life is short. Figure out what's most important to you and focus on it. I hate that it took losing my son to figure all this out but I'm still glad I found it.
There are so many things in life that I used to think were important but now realize they're simply not. I've spent years trying to establish a career that I would find both rewarding and also one that would make a lot of money. Believe me, money is still good. Bills do have to be paid but it's now more important to me to have a job or career I truly like and would be flexible for hopeful future life changes. Complaining about your boss, or how you got passed over for yet another promotion or being upset that you don't make X just simply isn't important.
Good friends and family contribute more to a happy life than anything else in the world. Take the time to get together with friends you keep meaning to but don't because you claim to be too "busy." When you really think about it you're aren't as busy as you think. Make people who mean the world to you a priority. You never know when you won't have that time anymore.
Facebook can be a total waste of time most of the time. Yes, it's great to be able to get back in touch with people you haven't talked to in years. It's also a great way to get news out to a lot of people at once. But you can get sucked into it and waste hours of your day reading a bunch of statuses and for what? Think of what you could be doing with your time.
It's ok to focus on doing what's best for you. It's not considered selfish. Too many people focus on what other people think of them and do what they feel others want them to do. Who cares what people think? Especially strangers. No one else lives your life or knows you entire life story like you do. Everyone has been through something and everyone deals with it in their own way.
Life is precious, life is short. Figure out what's most important to you and focus on it. I hate that it took losing my son to figure all this out but I'm still glad I found it.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The "nevers"
There are times when my mind gets stuck on certain thoughts. One of the things my mind tends to get stuck on most is what I call "The nevers." I leave these specifically to him and on this earth. I hope some day in heaven I can do all the things on this list we were never able to do here on earth.
We'll never:
Hear him laugh
Hear his first word
Watch him roll over
Watch him crawl
See him walk
Watch him play sports
Embarrass him on his first day of school by taking pictures while getting on the bus for the first time
Teach him how to ride a bike
Teach him to tie his shoes
Take pictures before a school dance
Get a macaroni and paste project from school
Buy him school supplies
Pass out his school pictures
Take him to Disney World
Take him swimming in grandma and grandpa's pool
Stay up all night waiting for him to come home
Teach him how to drive
Watch him eat solid food for the first time
Watch him smash cake in his face on his first birthday
Take a family picture with him in it
Watch him open a present
Push him on a swing at the park
Take him to Chuck E. Cheese
Take him for his first haircut
Watch him in a school program
Go to a parent/teacher conference for him
Watch him graduate high school
Watch him leave for college
Watch him graduate college
See him get married
Disapprove of the woman he dates
Dance the mother/son dance at his wedding
Have grandchildren that are his children
Pay him an allowance
Watch him ride the dog
Play catch with him
Take him to a professional sports game
Take him trick-or-treating or dress him up for Halloween
Hide eggs for an Easter egg hunt
Get a picture of him with Santa or the Easter Bunny
Kiss a boo-boo
Potty train him
Know the true color of his eyes
See how tall he was going to be
See who he truly looked like more
Take him for a walk around the neighborhood in his stroller
Buy him ice cream from the ice cream man
I hope in the future, we're blessed with the opportunity to have another child. We simply don't know the future and the future is filled with uncertainty. We never imagined our future would end up this way but it has. I hope one day to do the list of these things with his brother or sister.
We'll never:
Hear him laugh
Hear his first word
Watch him roll over
Watch him crawl
See him walk
Watch him play sports
Embarrass him on his first day of school by taking pictures while getting on the bus for the first time
Teach him how to ride a bike
Teach him to tie his shoes
Take pictures before a school dance
Get a macaroni and paste project from school
Buy him school supplies
Pass out his school pictures
Take him to Disney World
Take him swimming in grandma and grandpa's pool
Stay up all night waiting for him to come home
Teach him how to drive
Watch him eat solid food for the first time
Watch him smash cake in his face on his first birthday
Take a family picture with him in it
Watch him open a present
Push him on a swing at the park
Take him to Chuck E. Cheese
Take him for his first haircut
Watch him in a school program
Go to a parent/teacher conference for him
Watch him graduate high school
Watch him leave for college
Watch him graduate college
See him get married
Disapprove of the woman he dates
Dance the mother/son dance at his wedding
Have grandchildren that are his children
Pay him an allowance
Watch him ride the dog
Play catch with him
Take him to a professional sports game
Take him trick-or-treating or dress him up for Halloween
Hide eggs for an Easter egg hunt
Get a picture of him with Santa or the Easter Bunny
Kiss a boo-boo
Potty train him
Know the true color of his eyes
See how tall he was going to be
See who he truly looked like more
Take him for a walk around the neighborhood in his stroller
Buy him ice cream from the ice cream man
I hope in the future, we're blessed with the opportunity to have another child. We simply don't know the future and the future is filled with uncertainty. We never imagined our future would end up this way but it has. I hope one day to do the list of these things with his brother or sister.
Friday, March 16, 2012
My "good" deed
So yesterday I did what I consider to be a "good" deed. I say "good" because it did involve me screaming at someone. It wasn't necessarily my intention but felt it necessary to get my point across and also they struck a nerve.
It started a few weeks ago. I received something in the mail from one of the hospitals within the network where Corbin passed. I didn't know what it was but figured maybe it was something regarding support groups or ways to set up memorials so I decided to open it. What it actually was was a letter stating "Congratulations on the newest addition to your family." It also stated I could return the letter to receive a free first aid kit and also contained a pamphlet containing pediatric referrals. It was like a stab to my already shattered heart. My child passed at one of your hospitals! He was also born at a completely different hospital network entirely.
At the time, I was so peeved I decided I was going to write a letter and not call. I didn't know how I was going to handle calling. Well, I got busy and caught up in other things and hadn't gotten around to writing the letter (or simply wasn't feeling up to it at the time). Wednesday I went to get the mail and low and behold there was yet another letter from this hospital network stating the same thing it said before. I don't know why exactly but I decided it was time to call. If my son wasn't born within their hospital network, how did they get my information? And if they're going off their records, they should state what happened and think twice before sending such information.
I called immediately. I knew when I first called it was going to be someone who's basically a customer service rep. I knew before they even answered they weren't going to have the answers I was looking for but I was determined to get to someone who could. The girl I first spoke to told me there's some 3rd party company that receives birth records and sends out letters on behalf of their hospital network. I had more questions, she didn't have answers. She transferred me to the director of marketing. He didn't answer so I left a voicemail. He didn't call back, so I called the next morning, talked to a customer service rep (who was even more clueless than the first) and she transferred me to the director of marketing again and this time gave me his direct number.
I was somewhat surprised but he actually answered! I started off nice and also vague. I wanted to see what kind of answers he'd give me first. First he tried to tell me that this 3rd party company gets notifications from credit bureaus when they see someone is expecting or just had a baby (I know this not to be true, credit bureaus do not show any such information regarding this.) He then proceeded to tell me I was the 9th person to call and say they received this information in error. Come to find out the 8 other people received the information were not expecting nor just had a baby.
I know he still didn't know my situation but this is the point where I lost it. I screamed and told him I did have a baby and that he passed at one of their hospitals. I also explained that I don't understand why when something like that happens, why their system doesn't flag something and stop information like what I received from coming. He told me there was and that it failed (DUH!). I told him I didn't want this happening to anyone else. He told me he wanted to look into what happened in our case. He took down my info and told me he'd get back to me with answers and how they were going to prevent this in the future. I sat and shook for the better part of an hour.
He called me back yesterday afternoon. He told me they didn't have a flag in place for situations like ours. He told me in the 18 months of the programs existence, our situation had never come up (I still find this hard to believe). He told me they now have a system in place so this will never happen again and that our information has been removed from their marketing system. He then told me that they're actually looking into this program and are thinking of ending it completely because they don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else.
So in the end I feel like I did a "good" deed for, unfortunately, future loss mommies in my area. It hurt me deeply to have to go through what I did but I find comfort in knowing that this won't happen to anyone else. I've also learned you don't mess with a loss mommy. We protect our own!
It started a few weeks ago. I received something in the mail from one of the hospitals within the network where Corbin passed. I didn't know what it was but figured maybe it was something regarding support groups or ways to set up memorials so I decided to open it. What it actually was was a letter stating "Congratulations on the newest addition to your family." It also stated I could return the letter to receive a free first aid kit and also contained a pamphlet containing pediatric referrals. It was like a stab to my already shattered heart. My child passed at one of your hospitals! He was also born at a completely different hospital network entirely.
At the time, I was so peeved I decided I was going to write a letter and not call. I didn't know how I was going to handle calling. Well, I got busy and caught up in other things and hadn't gotten around to writing the letter (or simply wasn't feeling up to it at the time). Wednesday I went to get the mail and low and behold there was yet another letter from this hospital network stating the same thing it said before. I don't know why exactly but I decided it was time to call. If my son wasn't born within their hospital network, how did they get my information? And if they're going off their records, they should state what happened and think twice before sending such information.
I called immediately. I knew when I first called it was going to be someone who's basically a customer service rep. I knew before they even answered they weren't going to have the answers I was looking for but I was determined to get to someone who could. The girl I first spoke to told me there's some 3rd party company that receives birth records and sends out letters on behalf of their hospital network. I had more questions, she didn't have answers. She transferred me to the director of marketing. He didn't answer so I left a voicemail. He didn't call back, so I called the next morning, talked to a customer service rep (who was even more clueless than the first) and she transferred me to the director of marketing again and this time gave me his direct number.
I was somewhat surprised but he actually answered! I started off nice and also vague. I wanted to see what kind of answers he'd give me first. First he tried to tell me that this 3rd party company gets notifications from credit bureaus when they see someone is expecting or just had a baby (I know this not to be true, credit bureaus do not show any such information regarding this.) He then proceeded to tell me I was the 9th person to call and say they received this information in error. Come to find out the 8 other people received the information were not expecting nor just had a baby.
I know he still didn't know my situation but this is the point where I lost it. I screamed and told him I did have a baby and that he passed at one of their hospitals. I also explained that I don't understand why when something like that happens, why their system doesn't flag something and stop information like what I received from coming. He told me there was and that it failed (DUH!). I told him I didn't want this happening to anyone else. He told me he wanted to look into what happened in our case. He took down my info and told me he'd get back to me with answers and how they were going to prevent this in the future. I sat and shook for the better part of an hour.
He called me back yesterday afternoon. He told me they didn't have a flag in place for situations like ours. He told me in the 18 months of the programs existence, our situation had never come up (I still find this hard to believe). He told me they now have a system in place so this will never happen again and that our information has been removed from their marketing system. He then told me that they're actually looking into this program and are thinking of ending it completely because they don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else.
So in the end I feel like I did a "good" deed for, unfortunately, future loss mommies in my area. It hurt me deeply to have to go through what I did but I find comfort in knowing that this won't happen to anyone else. I've also learned you don't mess with a loss mommy. We protect our own!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Tattoo
I want to preface this by saying that I had always said I would never, ever, ever, ever in a million years ever get a tattoo. I have an issue with needles. The thought of having a machine with a needle on the end of it poking holes in your body over and over again freaked me out. I also know that tattoos are permanent and could never imagine anything on my body that I wouldn't in some way, shape or form regret at some point in my life. But that was then. Remember when I said that I'm not the same person I was before? Here's proof. Yesterday my husband and I got our first tattoos.
The idea started the day he passed. I had this urge and desire to get a tattoo to memorialize Corbin. A day or two later, my husband said "so this is going to sound crazy but I think I want to get a tattoo." Imagine the surprise on his face when I looked at him and said, "so do I," as I pointed to my left side and said hand print, foot print, name and dates.
We waited a few weeks for everything to settle down and to make sure that the decision we made was actually what we wanted to do. We still wanted them. We found a place that came highly recommended and made an appointment for a consultation. That night we scheduled the appointment to get our tattoos done. We both wanted the same artwork and wanted it to be done on the same day.
I was nervous when we walked in but still more excited than anything. Regardless, I had my husband go first. An hour and a half later Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates were forever in place on his right calf. "With his foot print on my leg, I know that every step I take, Corbin is taking with me," he said. It was perfect.
I was up next. I wanted my tattoo positioned on my left side above my hip. I'd been told by several people that it would really, really hurt to get a tattoo done there. I knew it would but I couldn't think of any other place I wanted this tattoo to be. My left side is where I felt the most kicks and pokes while I was pregnant. I wanted that permanent reminder. Another hour and a half later, my left side permanently had Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates on it. Did it hurt? Yes. Knowing now how it feels to be tattooed, would I do it again in that exact same spot. Absolutely. The pain was worth every second just to have this memorial.
The pictures:
The idea started the day he passed. I had this urge and desire to get a tattoo to memorialize Corbin. A day or two later, my husband said "so this is going to sound crazy but I think I want to get a tattoo." Imagine the surprise on his face when I looked at him and said, "so do I," as I pointed to my left side and said hand print, foot print, name and dates.
We waited a few weeks for everything to settle down and to make sure that the decision we made was actually what we wanted to do. We still wanted them. We found a place that came highly recommended and made an appointment for a consultation. That night we scheduled the appointment to get our tattoos done. We both wanted the same artwork and wanted it to be done on the same day.
I was nervous when we walked in but still more excited than anything. Regardless, I had my husband go first. An hour and a half later Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates were forever in place on his right calf. "With his foot print on my leg, I know that every step I take, Corbin is taking with me," he said. It was perfect.
I was up next. I wanted my tattoo positioned on my left side above my hip. I'd been told by several people that it would really, really hurt to get a tattoo done there. I knew it would but I couldn't think of any other place I wanted this tattoo to be. My left side is where I felt the most kicks and pokes while I was pregnant. I wanted that permanent reminder. Another hour and a half later, my left side permanently had Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates on it. Did it hurt? Yes. Knowing now how it feels to be tattooed, would I do it again in that exact same spot. Absolutely. The pain was worth every second just to have this memorial.
The pictures:
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Happy Memories
I'm really attempting to have a good day today. I want to share some happy memories that we have of our Corbin.
He loved to kick me while in my belly. I always said he was practicing to be a ninja.
He hated his feeding tube in the NICU. He was forever trying to pull it out and got really close once.
He didn't like his special glasses he had to wear while under his Billy Light. Every time I walked in the room he either had them almost off or twisted.
When he got mad, he got mad fast. He had a heart monitor that would alarm whenever it went over 200. We called it the Corbin's Pissed Alarm.
He was an avid farter. So many times we thought he filled his diaper and it was just a fart. He was so good at it, the NICU nurses would mention his pension for farting in their shift reports.
He struggled to take to breastfeeding. My husband likes to change the words to songs. Best one ever - he changed the words to KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty" to "Suck the Boobie" The song went "Suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck. Suck the boobie. Suck the boobie!" One of the lactation consultants showed us an arm pumping technique to help him feed. It was hilarious when added to the song.
He was a vivid dreamer. He constantly made sounds in his sleep that sounded like a sheep or goat.
He loved laying in his swing but did not actually like it to swing.
He was laying in his bouncy seat one night while we were watching a movie. There was an explosion in the movie and it startled him so much he threw his arms above his head. It was like he was on a roller coaster.
He constantly peed on himself. Once he actually managed to get it in his hair and his ear.
Even though we never heard him speak a word in life, he was and still is a really funny kid.
Love you Corbie!
He loved to kick me while in my belly. I always said he was practicing to be a ninja.
He hated his feeding tube in the NICU. He was forever trying to pull it out and got really close once.
He didn't like his special glasses he had to wear while under his Billy Light. Every time I walked in the room he either had them almost off or twisted.
When he got mad, he got mad fast. He had a heart monitor that would alarm whenever it went over 200. We called it the Corbin's Pissed Alarm.
He was an avid farter. So many times we thought he filled his diaper and it was just a fart. He was so good at it, the NICU nurses would mention his pension for farting in their shift reports.
He struggled to take to breastfeeding. My husband likes to change the words to songs. Best one ever - he changed the words to KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty" to "Suck the Boobie" The song went "Suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck. Suck the boobie. Suck the boobie!" One of the lactation consultants showed us an arm pumping technique to help him feed. It was hilarious when added to the song.
He was a vivid dreamer. He constantly made sounds in his sleep that sounded like a sheep or goat.
He loved laying in his swing but did not actually like it to swing.
He was laying in his bouncy seat one night while we were watching a movie. There was an explosion in the movie and it startled him so much he threw his arms above his head. It was like he was on a roller coaster.
He constantly peed on himself. Once he actually managed to get it in his hair and his ear.
Even though we never heard him speak a word in life, he was and still is a really funny kid.
Love you Corbie!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
For my friends
I was talking to one of my super good friends the other night and it got me thinking. For this post I'd like to talk to and about my friends.
First, thank you all for your support. Your thoughts and prayers hold us up when we feel we're going to fall. We were absolutely blown away by the sheer number of you who came to support us at Corbin's service. It really meant a lot to us to have you there.
We've spoke to many of you since everything happened and there's a few things I'd simply like to say. This is not directed at any particular person and it is not my intention to offend.
Many of you have expressed that you don't know what to say to us. I want you to know that it's completely ok. I've realized that honestly there are no words on this earth good enough for my Corbin. Also, there unfortunately isn't a magic word or sentence or paragraph or story that will change what happened or prevent us from hurting.
On the same line - many of you have expressed that you don't know what to do for us. Again, there's no magic thing. Here is what I can say though:
First, thank you all for your support. Your thoughts and prayers hold us up when we feel we're going to fall. We were absolutely blown away by the sheer number of you who came to support us at Corbin's service. It really meant a lot to us to have you there.
We've spoke to many of you since everything happened and there's a few things I'd simply like to say. This is not directed at any particular person and it is not my intention to offend.
Many of you have expressed that you don't know what to say to us. I want you to know that it's completely ok. I've realized that honestly there are no words on this earth good enough for my Corbin. Also, there unfortunately isn't a magic word or sentence or paragraph or story that will change what happened or prevent us from hurting.
On the same line - many of you have expressed that you don't know what to do for us. Again, there's no magic thing. Here is what I can say though:
- It's nice to get a call, a text, a facebook message or email simply saying you're thinking about us - especially on the difficult milestone days (birth date and passing date)
- I appreciate when people attempt to include us in their activities - just please be patient. There are times when we really would like to see you but I simply don't feel like leaving the house or I'm simply having a bad day.
- I love hearing stories of events that happen in people's lives that make you think of Corbin or you feel Corbin's spirit or presence. It warms my heart and makes me smile.
- I'd love for whoever is up to it, to come with us sometime to the cemetery. It's obviously not a "fun" thing to do but Corbin loves to see people visit.
- I have a hard time making decisions about anything right now. It's seriously much easier for you to say "let's go out to eat here" or "let's go here". I appreciate everyone trying to do what I want to do but I don't know what that is most of the time. (Just don't suggest things like Chuck E. Cheese :o) )
- It's ok to cry even if I'm not. I know many of you have children and this sort of hits home - just be careful if you're sad or crying and want to call. I can honestly be having an ok day and then lose it when the person on the other line is sobbing.
- Hugs are sometimes the best thing.
- Don't feel you always have to say you're sorry. I know it's a common response - I've said it myself - but you didn't do anything to cause this.
- Don't be afraid to talk about your own children sometimes, just don't let it be the only topic of conversation. We also love to talk about our Corbin and would love it if you would listen.
- You don't need to "walk on egg shells" when you talk to us. Sure, there's obvious things people shouldn't say but if you find out you're expecting etc. it's ok to tell us - just please don't confuse our happiness with my probably unequal physical response.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
My heart, my love, my Corbin
Was hoping to post the other day but I didn't have the strength and then yesterday was just a crazy day. Today's post is about my heart, my love, my Corbin.
Mr. Surprise. That's what we tend to call him. We were surprised to be pregnant in the first place - that was never in our plans. We were surprised when I started feeling pains on the night of October 27, 2011, went to the hospital and overheard the triage nurse telling the on call doctor that I was going to be admitted and we were having the baby tonight. I wasn't due till December 3rd. To this day I'm still overwhelmingly surprised at how instantaneous and great my love was for Corbin the moment he was born. He took my breath away. I knew in that moment that I was meant to be a mommy.
The day he was born was one of the greatest days of my life. When we brought him home on November 8, 2011, I was so happy and excited to begin our lives at home as a family and watching him learn and grow. I would sit in the NICU for hours staring at him and holding him. I'd feed him and tell myself I'll hold you till the big hand gets to the 5. Ok, the 6. Ok, the 7. It would be almost to the 5 again before I'd finally put him back to bed. He loved to be swaddled but did not like his arms to be included in that swaddle. He hated his feeding tube and was constantly trying to pull it out. He got really close once. He was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I know I'm biased but he was gorgeous.
I sang to him. I changed his diapey. I dressed him in adorable little clothes. I gave him baths. I fed him. I loved everything about him. I loved being a mommy. I know I will forever be Corbin's mommy but I miss doing all the "mommy things" I got to do for such a brief time. I just miss him so much and would give anything and everything I have to be able to have him here with us again. He's my heart. He's my love. He's forever my Corbin. Mommy loves you Mr. Peepers!
Mr. Surprise. That's what we tend to call him. We were surprised to be pregnant in the first place - that was never in our plans. We were surprised when I started feeling pains on the night of October 27, 2011, went to the hospital and overheard the triage nurse telling the on call doctor that I was going to be admitted and we were having the baby tonight. I wasn't due till December 3rd. To this day I'm still overwhelmingly surprised at how instantaneous and great my love was for Corbin the moment he was born. He took my breath away. I knew in that moment that I was meant to be a mommy.
The day he was born was one of the greatest days of my life. When we brought him home on November 8, 2011, I was so happy and excited to begin our lives at home as a family and watching him learn and grow. I would sit in the NICU for hours staring at him and holding him. I'd feed him and tell myself I'll hold you till the big hand gets to the 5. Ok, the 6. Ok, the 7. It would be almost to the 5 again before I'd finally put him back to bed. He loved to be swaddled but did not like his arms to be included in that swaddle. He hated his feeding tube and was constantly trying to pull it out. He got really close once. He was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I know I'm biased but he was gorgeous.
I sang to him. I changed his diapey. I dressed him in adorable little clothes. I gave him baths. I fed him. I loved everything about him. I loved being a mommy. I know I will forever be Corbin's mommy but I miss doing all the "mommy things" I got to do for such a brief time. I just miss him so much and would give anything and everything I have to be able to have him here with us again. He's my heart. He's my love. He's forever my Corbin. Mommy loves you Mr. Peepers!
Friday, March 2, 2012
My Puppy Love
The 2nd greatest guy in my life is my dog Granger. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a Golden Retriever. To me, Goldens are the ultimate dog. When I think of a dog, I think of a Golden, not some little yippy dog. Growing up, my parents had a Pomeranian. I begged for a Golden Retriever but my parents always said they were too much work.
When my husband and I built our first house, I begged for a Golden. He always said no. He said they were too big and we didn't have the room for one. (For the record, our house is 2014 sq. ft.) I got tired of him saying no so I quit asking.
In March of 2009, my husband and I went on vacation. We visited a friend in Charlotte, NC, then drove to visit friends in Fredricksburg, MD and then visited a friend in Washington, DC. We were eating lunch in DC one afternoon, having a conversation having nothing to do with dogs. All of a sudden my husband says to me, "If you want to get a dog, we can get a dog." "What kind of dog can we get?" I asked. "If you want a Golden Retriever, we can get a Golden Retriever," he told me. We returned from vacation and began the search for our dog.
A few days later my husband found someone who had puppies for sale. I emailed her to find out if there were any left. She called me immediately and told me there were 2 left and that she'd send info and pictures. She then proceeded to ask me a laundry list of questions about me, my family and our lifestyle. We passed the round of questions and told her we would look at the pictures and let her know which we chose. It was a difficult choice - Golden puppies are so cute! I couldn't decide, so I left that to my husband. He had the choice between the biggest in the litter (who we were told was a huge cuddler) and the runt of the litter (the "life of the party"). He chose the "life of the party." 2 weekends later, we made the 2 and a half hour trek down to Madison, IN to finally pick up the Golden I'd always wanted.
It was love at first sight. The second I saw him I said "Oh my gosh, I love him!" We held our little 7.5 lb puppy as he shook and talked with the breeder. We left and I held him on my lap the entire drive home. We finally got home and began our lives with our newest family member. As the time went on, the "runt" grew bigger and bigger. He's now 100 lbs and simply big even by Golden Retriever standards.
I wanted a Golden because I think dogs that like to swim are so cool. 10% of Golden Retrievers don't like to swim. We have one. We'll take him to the dog park that has a pond for the dogs. He'll get in it in the shallow area and sit down and dunk his face in it but he won't swim. I also think dogs that like to play fetch are cool. He thinks fetch is stupid. He'll go get a ball or toy once or twice but then he's done. He loves to play frisbee but on his terms and when he wants. He doesn't necessarily do the typical Golden things but that's ok with me. He's a big sweet boy. He loves to cuddle. He loves to rough house. He's happiest just laying around being with his people. He's always with me. Follows me everywhere. Always sits right by me. We often joke we should have named him Shadow or Glue.
Even before Corbin was born, Granger loved him. He would go and lay in his room in front of the crib and take a nap. It was so cute. The day we brought Corbin home from the hospital, Granger ran over to meet him. He immediately gave him kisses. If Granger went outside, when he came back in, he would run over to the swing and give Corbin kisses on his little feet. We already dreaded the day we'd have to explain to Corbin that Granger was in heaven. We figured Corbin would hopefully be 5 or 6 when that conversation would happen. Unfortunately that's not how life has played out and instead of explaining to Corbin that Granger was gone, we had to explain to Granger that Corbin was gone.
Granger definitely has his sad days. Some days he still comes back in the house from being outside and runs over to the swing. A few times he's nudged the swing with his snout to make it rock a bit. Breaks my heart to see him so sad. Regardless of how he feels though he's always there for me. He knows when I need hugs and gives me extra kisses often. Whenever I'm really sad, he'll do something funny or cute just to cheer me up. I can't imagine our lives without him. I'm so glad we have him and I'm glad my husband let me have him.
When my husband and I built our first house, I begged for a Golden. He always said no. He said they were too big and we didn't have the room for one. (For the record, our house is 2014 sq. ft.) I got tired of him saying no so I quit asking.
In March of 2009, my husband and I went on vacation. We visited a friend in Charlotte, NC, then drove to visit friends in Fredricksburg, MD and then visited a friend in Washington, DC. We were eating lunch in DC one afternoon, having a conversation having nothing to do with dogs. All of a sudden my husband says to me, "If you want to get a dog, we can get a dog." "What kind of dog can we get?" I asked. "If you want a Golden Retriever, we can get a Golden Retriever," he told me. We returned from vacation and began the search for our dog.
A few days later my husband found someone who had puppies for sale. I emailed her to find out if there were any left. She called me immediately and told me there were 2 left and that she'd send info and pictures. She then proceeded to ask me a laundry list of questions about me, my family and our lifestyle. We passed the round of questions and told her we would look at the pictures and let her know which we chose. It was a difficult choice - Golden puppies are so cute! I couldn't decide, so I left that to my husband. He had the choice between the biggest in the litter (who we were told was a huge cuddler) and the runt of the litter (the "life of the party"). He chose the "life of the party." 2 weekends later, we made the 2 and a half hour trek down to Madison, IN to finally pick up the Golden I'd always wanted.
It was love at first sight. The second I saw him I said "Oh my gosh, I love him!" We held our little 7.5 lb puppy as he shook and talked with the breeder. We left and I held him on my lap the entire drive home. We finally got home and began our lives with our newest family member. As the time went on, the "runt" grew bigger and bigger. He's now 100 lbs and simply big even by Golden Retriever standards.
I wanted a Golden because I think dogs that like to swim are so cool. 10% of Golden Retrievers don't like to swim. We have one. We'll take him to the dog park that has a pond for the dogs. He'll get in it in the shallow area and sit down and dunk his face in it but he won't swim. I also think dogs that like to play fetch are cool. He thinks fetch is stupid. He'll go get a ball or toy once or twice but then he's done. He loves to play frisbee but on his terms and when he wants. He doesn't necessarily do the typical Golden things but that's ok with me. He's a big sweet boy. He loves to cuddle. He loves to rough house. He's happiest just laying around being with his people. He's always with me. Follows me everywhere. Always sits right by me. We often joke we should have named him Shadow or Glue.
Even before Corbin was born, Granger loved him. He would go and lay in his room in front of the crib and take a nap. It was so cute. The day we brought Corbin home from the hospital, Granger ran over to meet him. He immediately gave him kisses. If Granger went outside, when he came back in, he would run over to the swing and give Corbin kisses on his little feet. We already dreaded the day we'd have to explain to Corbin that Granger was in heaven. We figured Corbin would hopefully be 5 or 6 when that conversation would happen. Unfortunately that's not how life has played out and instead of explaining to Corbin that Granger was gone, we had to explain to Granger that Corbin was gone.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
My Rock
The next few posts I'd like to gush over the amazing people in my life. First up, my amazing husband.
We first met in early April 2000. (The actual date is often a debate in our household) He happened to walk past my dorm room at Ball State and told me that I was going to go out with him and his friends that night. Normally, I'm not a person that does spur of the moment things but that night I just felt I should. We had a great time. He told me when he brought me back to my dorm room that he actually wasn't supposed to be on campus that night and that he had to go back home to go to church with his family in the morning. I gave him my number and he said he'd call me. He didn't. A few days later he showed up at my room. I told him "you lost my number didn't you?" He told me "no" for months before finally admitting he did.
We began dating but the semester was coming to a close. My family lives 3 hours away from school and I was going home for the summer to work. He told me that he didn't think it was going to work out with the distance involved. I told him that we shouldn't just give up and to just let whatever is going to happen, happen. We promised each other we would visit as often as we could. I was home for 4 days before I just had to drive down and see him. It had only been about a month since we'd first met but that feeling of needing to see him so bad was the first time I realized he was the one.
After 8 months of dating he proposed. I instantly told him "yes" but then said that I wanted both of us to finish school first. We both graduated (me in 2002 and him 2004) and built our first house in 2004. I went back to school and graduated again in 2005. We finally got married in a beautiful ceremony near my parents' home on April 22, 2006.
He's the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, hilarious and kind. He's got the biggest heart. He's always supportive of me and goes out of his way to make me happy. The day I found out I was pregnant I panicked. It was not in our plans and everything about it scared the hell out of me. I sat for hours waiting for him to come home wondering how I would tell him and how he was going to react. Was he going to be happy? Sad? Even angry? He finally got home and I told him. I immediately burst into tears. He held me and said "ok."
He's was by my side the entire time. He was there for every doctor appointment that I was scared to go to because of having blood drawn. He helped me with my gestational diabetes. He didn't panic when I called my doctor because I was in pain and they said to go to the hospital. He was calm when the nurse at the hospital told us I was 5 or 6cm and we were going to have the baby that night (whereas I panicked because it was still October and I wasn't due till December 3). He held my hand through every contraction. He was the first one to hold our son. The day he was born I took a picture of him standing next to Corbin. I've never seen him smile the way he smiled that day. He was such a proud daddy.
Through all this heartache our lives now experience he's been my rock. He always seems to know just what to say. Always seems to know when I need to talk and always knows when I just need to be held. I've often said that I would not be able to "get through" any of this with anyone else but him. He's my rock, my world, my everything. I love him more and more everyday.
We first met in early April 2000. (The actual date is often a debate in our household) He happened to walk past my dorm room at Ball State and told me that I was going to go out with him and his friends that night. Normally, I'm not a person that does spur of the moment things but that night I just felt I should. We had a great time. He told me when he brought me back to my dorm room that he actually wasn't supposed to be on campus that night and that he had to go back home to go to church with his family in the morning. I gave him my number and he said he'd call me. He didn't. A few days later he showed up at my room. I told him "you lost my number didn't you?" He told me "no" for months before finally admitting he did.
We began dating but the semester was coming to a close. My family lives 3 hours away from school and I was going home for the summer to work. He told me that he didn't think it was going to work out with the distance involved. I told him that we shouldn't just give up and to just let whatever is going to happen, happen. We promised each other we would visit as often as we could. I was home for 4 days before I just had to drive down and see him. It had only been about a month since we'd first met but that feeling of needing to see him so bad was the first time I realized he was the one.
After 8 months of dating he proposed. I instantly told him "yes" but then said that I wanted both of us to finish school first. We both graduated (me in 2002 and him 2004) and built our first house in 2004. I went back to school and graduated again in 2005. We finally got married in a beautiful ceremony near my parents' home on April 22, 2006.
He's the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, hilarious and kind. He's got the biggest heart. He's always supportive of me and goes out of his way to make me happy. The day I found out I was pregnant I panicked. It was not in our plans and everything about it scared the hell out of me. I sat for hours waiting for him to come home wondering how I would tell him and how he was going to react. Was he going to be happy? Sad? Even angry? He finally got home and I told him. I immediately burst into tears. He held me and said "ok."
He's was by my side the entire time. He was there for every doctor appointment that I was scared to go to because of having blood drawn. He helped me with my gestational diabetes. He didn't panic when I called my doctor because I was in pain and they said to go to the hospital. He was calm when the nurse at the hospital told us I was 5 or 6cm and we were going to have the baby that night (whereas I panicked because it was still October and I wasn't due till December 3). He held my hand through every contraction. He was the first one to hold our son. The day he was born I took a picture of him standing next to Corbin. I've never seen him smile the way he smiled that day. He was such a proud daddy.
Through all this heartache our lives now experience he's been my rock. He always seems to know just what to say. Always seems to know when I need to talk and always knows when I just need to be held. I've often said that I would not be able to "get through" any of this with anyone else but him. He's my rock, my world, my everything. I love him more and more everyday.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
What to do with my life
I've struggled with this for years. What do I want to do as a career? I thought I had figured it out and then life happened. I'm back to where I just don't know and it seems more complicated now. I'm writing this to share my struggles and see if anyone has any advise or insight.
In order to understand the present, I'll start with the past. I graduated from Ball State University in 2002 with a BA in Finance. I really enjoyed my accounting classes but the idea of being in school for 6 years nauseated me. The path my career took with a degree in Finance didn't lead in the direction I hoped it would go. In 2005 I obtained my MBA through a reputable online university. I learned quickly that having an MBA with non-applicable experience yields nothing. After a lot of thought and discussion, I went back to school in 2008 to complete the necessary coursework in Accounting so that I could sit for the CPA exam.
I've taken the entire CPA exam twice now and have not passed a single section (there's 4). The last time I attempted an exam was August 8, 2011. I was pregnant at the time and found it difficult to take the test. You can only take breaks at certain times and between needing to go to the bathroom and Corbin deciding the middle of the test was a good time to practice his ninja skills it was torture. After that test I decided I was going to take a break for a bit.
When I first found out I was pregnant, my thought process was that I was going to continue to work. It's just who I am. A few months into the pregnancy, my husband and I sat down and decided (at the time against my better wishes) that I would continue to work until Corbin was at the age where he was moving around to much (crawling etc.). I work from home so it seemed to make sense. Then, at that point, I would quit working and focus on raising Corbin and studying for the CPA exam. I honestly struggled with this idea until the moment he was born. In that moment I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, quit work and be a mommy. I'd never felt such clarity in my entire life. I looked forward to quitting my job.
Then my world came crashing down. I was still on maternity leave at the time so I was still off of work. I took a little time off and went back to work on January 3rd. The original plan was January 23. It was a struggle to return to work at a job I've been at for almost 8 years and haven't enjoyed for probably 6.
So now I struggle with what to do. I'd love to be a mommy. I know I will forever be but I no longer get to take care of my child the way most mommies do. I just don't think my heart is into the whole CPA thing anymore. I lack the focus to study and if we're chosen to be the parents to another child, I'd like to be a stay at home mommy for a while or at least have a job flexible enough to allow me to both work and raise my child. I just don't know what that career is. If anyone has any ideas, please share.
In order to understand the present, I'll start with the past. I graduated from Ball State University in 2002 with a BA in Finance. I really enjoyed my accounting classes but the idea of being in school for 6 years nauseated me. The path my career took with a degree in Finance didn't lead in the direction I hoped it would go. In 2005 I obtained my MBA through a reputable online university. I learned quickly that having an MBA with non-applicable experience yields nothing. After a lot of thought and discussion, I went back to school in 2008 to complete the necessary coursework in Accounting so that I could sit for the CPA exam.
I've taken the entire CPA exam twice now and have not passed a single section (there's 4). The last time I attempted an exam was August 8, 2011. I was pregnant at the time and found it difficult to take the test. You can only take breaks at certain times and between needing to go to the bathroom and Corbin deciding the middle of the test was a good time to practice his ninja skills it was torture. After that test I decided I was going to take a break for a bit.
When I first found out I was pregnant, my thought process was that I was going to continue to work. It's just who I am. A few months into the pregnancy, my husband and I sat down and decided (at the time against my better wishes) that I would continue to work until Corbin was at the age where he was moving around to much (crawling etc.). I work from home so it seemed to make sense. Then, at that point, I would quit working and focus on raising Corbin and studying for the CPA exam. I honestly struggled with this idea until the moment he was born. In that moment I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, quit work and be a mommy. I'd never felt such clarity in my entire life. I looked forward to quitting my job.
Then my world came crashing down. I was still on maternity leave at the time so I was still off of work. I took a little time off and went back to work on January 3rd. The original plan was January 23. It was a struggle to return to work at a job I've been at for almost 8 years and haven't enjoyed for probably 6.
So now I struggle with what to do. I'd love to be a mommy. I know I will forever be but I no longer get to take care of my child the way most mommies do. I just don't think my heart is into the whole CPA thing anymore. I lack the focus to study and if we're chosen to be the parents to another child, I'd like to be a stay at home mommy for a while or at least have a job flexible enough to allow me to both work and raise my child. I just don't know what that career is. If anyone has any ideas, please share.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I bet you didn't know
I've been writing this for a few days now. I've found writing lists out helps me sometimes. My intention is not to offend anyone, just to give some insight into my new life
I bet you didn’t know……
That certain days are hard for me and sometimes for no
specific reason
There are some days I can’t even comprehend the thoughts
going on in my own head
I often cry myself to sleep at night
Not a moment goes by that I don’t think about my child
When you lose your child, you have to learn how to do
everything all over again no matter how small the task
Simple things like grocery shopping can take much longer now
as there are times I have to take different and longer paths in a store to stay
away from certain people
When I watch TV I have to keep the remote close because I
just never know when a commercial will come on that will trigger me
I can’t even set foot in Target anymore
I may appear to look the same on the outside but I’m no longer
the person I used to be
I have to sleep with the radio or tv on. Silence is my worst enemy.
That I am not “strong”.
What I have is not strength. It’s
simply the realization that life does not stop no matter how much I want it to
sometimes. It takes everything I have to
try to jump on and not let go. It’s not
strength. It’s life.
Time will not heal my wounds. Time will simply teach me how to deal with my
shattered heart everyday.
There are several people I’ve had to hide statuses on
Facebook because I sometimes can bear to see pictures or read of milestones my
child will never reach.
I often cringe when people post things complaining over how
their children are sick or acting up. I
would give everything to experience those things with my child
Losing a parent, grandparent or sibling is not the
same. The grief of a parent cannot be
understood or compared to any other loss
I love it when people say my child’s name. The sound is beautiful to me.
If you see me and I’m not crying, it’s ok to cry yourself. Sometimes I simply have no tears to cry and
you take over for me.
Unless I’m in a place where everyone knows, I forever feel
like I have a sign over my head saying I lost my child. I forever wonder if strangers know.
Normal is the most amazing and horrible thing at the same
time. It can bring comfort and
sadness. Normal isn’t normal anymore.
I’m honestly truly happy for everyone who I see announce
that they are pregnant. I also pity and
envy their innocence.
If you ask how I’m doing I’ll probably respond with ok,
simply because there are no words to describe how I’m actually feeling.
Sometimes I’m just as scared to talk to people as they are
to talk to me.
1 in 4 women experience the loss of a child. Sometimes it’s during gestation, sometimes
stillbirth, sometimes during infancy.
There are more parents in this world who have lost children
than you know of.
I visit the place where my child is laid to rest often. My tears of sadness turn to anger as I
realize the only way to visit my child is at a cemetery.
There are certain roads I cannot drive on and certain areas
bring anxiety. There have been several
times I have driven out of my way to avoid the feeling.
There are certain shows I simply cannot watch anymore.
I’ve bawled over a State Farm commercial and a Taco Bell
commercial.
Some triggers are known, some things sometimes are triggers
and sometimes they’re not.
Sometimes a trigger comes that you weren’t expecting. Those are the hardest to deal with.
My dog has hard days too.
It took 2 months for me to finally walk into my child’s
room.
The smell of green Palmolive dish soap sickens me.
We’d hoping to have another child but the mere idea scares
the hell out of me.
I have a necklace with my child’s name, dates, hand and
footprints on it that I wear visibly every day.
I also wear a heart pendant that I never take off because my son used to
grab it and not let go – even at a week old.
My mind gets stuck on certain thoughts often.
Many songs are triggers.
The worst are the songs I stumble upon that I never would have thought
were triggers.
As much as I’m hurting, I want to share my story and
struggles with the world.
Welcome
Hello everyone. My name is Jessica and I am Corbin's mommy. Corbin Scott was born on October 28, 2011. He was 5 weeks and 1 day early due to PTL. We spent 11 days in the NICU and finally got to bring him home on November 8, 2011. We were overjoyed to be parents even though my husband and I never thought we wanted to be. On December 3, 2011 our world shattered as we found him in his crib not breathing. He was 5 weeks and 1 day old. The autopsy revealed he had bronchitis, bronchiolitis and trachitis. We are obviously devistated and miss him every second of everyday as we attempt to adjust to the new "normal." I write often about my thoughts and feelings and till now have kept those writitngs to myself. I've decided to share some with all of you. I've spent much time writing the entire story of our journey beginning with the day we found out we were expecting. It's not nearly complete at this time but I'm hoping some day to complete it and hope to be able to share it with the world in some fashion. In the meantime, I plan on posting often about my struggles, hopes and journey as my life goes on somehow. There is no way to explain to anyone who hasn't been in our position, to explain how we feel but I hope this blog will offer some insight into my daily struggles as I learn life anew.
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