4 Months

4 months ago today was the last time I held my son.  That's 1/3 of a year.  Think of all that has transpired since 4 months ago.  Christmas came and went and a New Year was upon us.  I turned a year older.  Babies were born and winter turned to spring.  Flowers have bloomed and temperatures have climbed.  Normally I love when the temperatures get warmer because that means no more shoveling or bundling up to take Granger for a walk.  I find that I no longer like the beautiful weather.  The beautiful weather brings more people outside and mommies pushing strollers with their little ones inside.  I can't help but think that that mommy should be me. 

My world is still shattered.  My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces.  I still struggle with the question "who am I?"  I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror.  I miss Corbin so much.  My empty arms ache to hold him.  I would give anything and do anything to hold him again.  I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again.  I yearn for the person I will never be again.

I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly.  The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares.  I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love.  There is a future that will never be.  Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down.  I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.

Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott.  We love you more than anyone can ever love anything.  Life isn't the same without you and will never be.  Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.