It's Saturday which typically means a pretty busy day for most of us. There's errands, housecleaning, maybe a child's sports game, a get together with friends. After you finish reading this, I'd like everyone to stop what they're doing for even a minute and think.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Sunset
When you begin the journey that I'm on you find that there are several things out there that you can do as a memorial to your child. One of the big things several loss mommies I know have done is get what's called "The Sunset Picture."
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Surprise!
Today is the anniversary of our first surprise. Most of you don't know what today is. Sure, it's Thursday and April 12th. You know what today is but have no idea the meaning today has for me. On this day last year, we found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had always said we weren't going to have kids. We were perfectly happy being the cool aunt and uncle and sort of adopting our friends' kids as our own. Little did we know we had both changed our minds.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
4 Months
4 months ago today was the last time I held my son. That's 1/3 of a year. Think of all that has transpired since 4 months ago. Christmas came and went and a New Year was upon us. I turned a year older. Babies were born and winter turned to spring. Flowers have bloomed and temperatures have climbed. Normally I love when the temperatures get warmer because that means no more shoveling or bundling up to take Granger for a walk. I find that I no longer like the beautiful weather. The beautiful weather brings more people outside and mommies pushing strollers with their little ones inside. I can't help but think that that mommy should be me.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Future, Hopes and Dreams
It is often difficult for me to even think about the future when most times it's simply a struggle to deal with the present. There are times when I think of the future and it's met with such sadness. Sadness of a life without my Corbin there. I do know that every day he's with me, guiding me through the present and leading me into the future. He's the most amazing little boy who does so much for me, my husband and others every day of his angel life.
I do think of the future sometimes with hope. I even wear a ring on my pinky finger now that says "hope" on it. I look at it often to remind myself to have said hope. I hope to have more better days than bad. I hope to adjust to the "new normal" I now face. I hope to hold a baby - any baby, even if it's not mine. I hope to have a child my husband and I can love and watch develop into an amazing adult and reach all the milestones we'll never get to experience with Corbin here on earth. This hopefully future child will know all about their big brother, as he will always be a part of our family.
I dream of a happier future than the present. I'm not "down" all the time but I wouldn't exactly say I'm "up" either. I'm going to be guest writing for a new online magazine dealing with loss that will be launching in May 2012. I've already written my first article and can't wait to see it online for the world to see. In the future I plan on finish the writing of our story that I started after Corbin became an angel. I'm not 100% what I'm going to do with that writing once it's finished but I may look to have it published as there isn't much literature out there for people experiencing such tragic loss. We're participating in the March of Dimes Walk for Babies on April 28, 2012 (Corbin's 6 month birthday) which raises money for babies in the NICU as well as research and education. I hope to do more events like this and help raise money for a cause very near and dear to our hearts in Corbin's honor.
I know that no one knows their future. That's why it's called the future. My hope, my dream, and my wish is to find peace, learn to live and have the baby to hold that my arms ache for. No one could ever take the place Corbin holds in my heart. Always and forever.
I do think of the future sometimes with hope. I even wear a ring on my pinky finger now that says "hope" on it. I look at it often to remind myself to have said hope. I hope to have more better days than bad. I hope to adjust to the "new normal" I now face. I hope to hold a baby - any baby, even if it's not mine. I hope to have a child my husband and I can love and watch develop into an amazing adult and reach all the milestones we'll never get to experience with Corbin here on earth. This hopefully future child will know all about their big brother, as he will always be a part of our family.
I dream of a happier future than the present. I'm not "down" all the time but I wouldn't exactly say I'm "up" either. I'm going to be guest writing for a new online magazine dealing with loss that will be launching in May 2012. I've already written my first article and can't wait to see it online for the world to see. In the future I plan on finish the writing of our story that I started after Corbin became an angel. I'm not 100% what I'm going to do with that writing once it's finished but I may look to have it published as there isn't much literature out there for people experiencing such tragic loss. We're participating in the March of Dimes Walk for Babies on April 28, 2012 (Corbin's 6 month birthday) which raises money for babies in the NICU as well as research and education. I hope to do more events like this and help raise money for a cause very near and dear to our hearts in Corbin's honor.
I know that no one knows their future. That's why it's called the future. My hope, my dream, and my wish is to find peace, learn to live and have the baby to hold that my arms ache for. No one could ever take the place Corbin holds in my heart. Always and forever.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The perspective
I was talking to a very dear and close friend of mine the other day who currently has a son in the NICU (he's doing great but a long way to go yet). We started talking about how certain events in your life can cause you to gain a new perspective. I'd like to share with you mine.
There are so many things in life that I used to think were important but now realize they're simply not. I've spent years trying to establish a career that I would find both rewarding and also one that would make a lot of money. Believe me, money is still good. Bills do have to be paid but it's now more important to me to have a job or career I truly like and would be flexible for hopeful future life changes. Complaining about your boss, or how you got passed over for yet another promotion or being upset that you don't make X just simply isn't important.
Good friends and family contribute more to a happy life than anything else in the world. Take the time to get together with friends you keep meaning to but don't because you claim to be too "busy." When you really think about it you're aren't as busy as you think. Make people who mean the world to you a priority. You never know when you won't have that time anymore.
Facebook can be a total waste of time most of the time. Yes, it's great to be able to get back in touch with people you haven't talked to in years. It's also a great way to get news out to a lot of people at once. But you can get sucked into it and waste hours of your day reading a bunch of statuses and for what? Think of what you could be doing with your time.
It's ok to focus on doing what's best for you. It's not considered selfish. Too many people focus on what other people think of them and do what they feel others want them to do. Who cares what people think? Especially strangers. No one else lives your life or knows you entire life story like you do. Everyone has been through something and everyone deals with it in their own way.
Life is precious, life is short. Figure out what's most important to you and focus on it. I hate that it took losing my son to figure all this out but I'm still glad I found it.
There are so many things in life that I used to think were important but now realize they're simply not. I've spent years trying to establish a career that I would find both rewarding and also one that would make a lot of money. Believe me, money is still good. Bills do have to be paid but it's now more important to me to have a job or career I truly like and would be flexible for hopeful future life changes. Complaining about your boss, or how you got passed over for yet another promotion or being upset that you don't make X just simply isn't important.
Good friends and family contribute more to a happy life than anything else in the world. Take the time to get together with friends you keep meaning to but don't because you claim to be too "busy." When you really think about it you're aren't as busy as you think. Make people who mean the world to you a priority. You never know when you won't have that time anymore.
Facebook can be a total waste of time most of the time. Yes, it's great to be able to get back in touch with people you haven't talked to in years. It's also a great way to get news out to a lot of people at once. But you can get sucked into it and waste hours of your day reading a bunch of statuses and for what? Think of what you could be doing with your time.
It's ok to focus on doing what's best for you. It's not considered selfish. Too many people focus on what other people think of them and do what they feel others want them to do. Who cares what people think? Especially strangers. No one else lives your life or knows you entire life story like you do. Everyone has been through something and everyone deals with it in their own way.
Life is precious, life is short. Figure out what's most important to you and focus on it. I hate that it took losing my son to figure all this out but I'm still glad I found it.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The "nevers"
There are times when my mind gets stuck on certain thoughts. One of the things my mind tends to get stuck on most is what I call "The nevers." I leave these specifically to him and on this earth. I hope some day in heaven I can do all the things on this list we were never able to do here on earth.
We'll never:
Hear him laugh
Hear his first word
Watch him roll over
Watch him crawl
See him walk
Watch him play sports
Embarrass him on his first day of school by taking pictures while getting on the bus for the first time
Teach him how to ride a bike
Teach him to tie his shoes
Take pictures before a school dance
Get a macaroni and paste project from school
Buy him school supplies
Pass out his school pictures
Take him to Disney World
Take him swimming in grandma and grandpa's pool
Stay up all night waiting for him to come home
Teach him how to drive
Watch him eat solid food for the first time
Watch him smash cake in his face on his first birthday
Take a family picture with him in it
Watch him open a present
Push him on a swing at the park
Take him to Chuck E. Cheese
Take him for his first haircut
Watch him in a school program
Go to a parent/teacher conference for him
Watch him graduate high school
Watch him leave for college
Watch him graduate college
See him get married
Disapprove of the woman he dates
Dance the mother/son dance at his wedding
Have grandchildren that are his children
Pay him an allowance
Watch him ride the dog
Play catch with him
Take him to a professional sports game
Take him trick-or-treating or dress him up for Halloween
Hide eggs for an Easter egg hunt
Get a picture of him with Santa or the Easter Bunny
Kiss a boo-boo
Potty train him
Know the true color of his eyes
See how tall he was going to be
See who he truly looked like more
Take him for a walk around the neighborhood in his stroller
Buy him ice cream from the ice cream man
I hope in the future, we're blessed with the opportunity to have another child. We simply don't know the future and the future is filled with uncertainty. We never imagined our future would end up this way but it has. I hope one day to do the list of these things with his brother or sister.
We'll never:
Hear him laugh
Hear his first word
Watch him roll over
Watch him crawl
See him walk
Watch him play sports
Embarrass him on his first day of school by taking pictures while getting on the bus for the first time
Teach him how to ride a bike
Teach him to tie his shoes
Take pictures before a school dance
Get a macaroni and paste project from school
Buy him school supplies
Pass out his school pictures
Take him to Disney World
Take him swimming in grandma and grandpa's pool
Stay up all night waiting for him to come home
Teach him how to drive
Watch him eat solid food for the first time
Watch him smash cake in his face on his first birthday
Take a family picture with him in it
Watch him open a present
Push him on a swing at the park
Take him to Chuck E. Cheese
Take him for his first haircut
Watch him in a school program
Go to a parent/teacher conference for him
Watch him graduate high school
Watch him leave for college
Watch him graduate college
See him get married
Disapprove of the woman he dates
Dance the mother/son dance at his wedding
Have grandchildren that are his children
Pay him an allowance
Watch him ride the dog
Play catch with him
Take him to a professional sports game
Take him trick-or-treating or dress him up for Halloween
Hide eggs for an Easter egg hunt
Get a picture of him with Santa or the Easter Bunny
Kiss a boo-boo
Potty train him
Know the true color of his eyes
See how tall he was going to be
See who he truly looked like more
Take him for a walk around the neighborhood in his stroller
Buy him ice cream from the ice cream man
I hope in the future, we're blessed with the opportunity to have another child. We simply don't know the future and the future is filled with uncertainty. We never imagined our future would end up this way but it has. I hope one day to do the list of these things with his brother or sister.
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