Sorry that I've been MIA for a while. My husband and I have decided we're going to put our house on the market and we've been busy preparing the house. It's been exhausting but also nice to have a bit of a distraction. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post where I asked all of you to ask me any questions you may have for me. Thank you to all of you that asked questions.
What have you done with Corbin's things?
All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him. That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib. His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top. His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it. When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.
Are we going to try to have another baby?
Yes. We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday. Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another. We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.
Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?
Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet. I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there. We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there. I also can't go to a toy store. I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.
What is a typical day like for you?
I get up at 5:30 during the week. I work from 6-3:30 normally. After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything. I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most. I take Granger for a walk everyday. If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.
How often do you go to the cemetery?
It sort of depends. Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by. We try to go at least once a month but it varies.
When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?
Yes. They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart. They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him. They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing. We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." I'll be honest. At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover. I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.
Are things getting better for you?
I don't like to use the word "better." It just doesn't seem to fit the situation. We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it. As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise. The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart. I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.
Again, thank you for asking these questions. If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you for all your love and support.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mother's Day
So this coming Sunday is Mother's Day. For many women, it's a wonderful day to be celebrated for all that you do as a mother. You get cared for, spend time with your children and enjoy gifts from your children showing their love for you. You may get a hand-made card or gift they spent so much time and effort on.
This will be the first Mother's Day without my son and I'm dreading the day so much. My family is missing one very important member and it won't be a day of spending time with all of them. I know that regardless whether Corbin's here with us or not that I'm always and forever his mother, it's just that a day devoted to mothers and all the special things mothers do for their children seems like torture to a mother that no longer gets to do all the "mommy things" mothers love to do. I won't get a card from him saying how much he loves me and is thankful I'm his mommy. I'm hoping that day that I get several angel kisses and that he watches over me even more than normal. I miss him so much and would give anything to have him with us again so I could do the "mommy things" I never realized I really wanted to do. Hoping the day goes quickly and passes without too much pain.
This will be the first Mother's Day without my son and I'm dreading the day so much. My family is missing one very important member and it won't be a day of spending time with all of them. I know that regardless whether Corbin's here with us or not that I'm always and forever his mother, it's just that a day devoted to mothers and all the special things mothers do for their children seems like torture to a mother that no longer gets to do all the "mommy things" mothers love to do. I won't get a card from him saying how much he loves me and is thankful I'm his mommy. I'm hoping that day that I get several angel kisses and that he watches over me even more than normal. I miss him so much and would give anything to have him with us again so I could do the "mommy things" I never realized I really wanted to do. Hoping the day goes quickly and passes without too much pain.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Q & A
I haven't written in a while because I haven't been able to develop topics. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life from this point forward and hoping I can survive the impending "Mother's Day" that I know will be very difficult. Several people have asked me questions and I know several more questions exist. As a thank you for all the support we've received over the last 5 months, I'd like to open up this blog to questions. You may post them below or send me a private message in Facebook if you'd like to remain anonymous. I'll wait a few days and then answer any questions you may have. Can't wait to see what everyone asks?
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Stop and Think
It's Saturday which typically means a pretty busy day for most of us. There's errands, housecleaning, maybe a child's sports game, a get together with friends. After you finish reading this, I'd like everyone to stop what they're doing for even a minute and think.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Sunset
When you begin the journey that I'm on you find that there are several things out there that you can do as a memorial to your child. One of the big things several loss mommies I know have done is get what's called "The Sunset Picture."
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Surprise!
Today is the anniversary of our first surprise. Most of you don't know what today is. Sure, it's Thursday and April 12th. You know what today is but have no idea the meaning today has for me. On this day last year, we found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had always said we weren't going to have kids. We were perfectly happy being the cool aunt and uncle and sort of adopting our friends' kids as our own. Little did we know we had both changed our minds.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
4 Months
4 months ago today was the last time I held my son. That's 1/3 of a year. Think of all that has transpired since 4 months ago. Christmas came and went and a New Year was upon us. I turned a year older. Babies were born and winter turned to spring. Flowers have bloomed and temperatures have climbed. Normally I love when the temperatures get warmer because that means no more shoveling or bundling up to take Granger for a walk. I find that I no longer like the beautiful weather. The beautiful weather brings more people outside and mommies pushing strollers with their little ones inside. I can't help but think that that mommy should be me.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
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