It is often difficult for me to even think about the future when most times it's simply a struggle to deal with the present. There are times when I think of the future and it's met with such sadness. Sadness of a life without my Corbin there. I do know that every day he's with me, guiding me through the present and leading me into the future. He's the most amazing little boy who does so much for me, my husband and others every day of his angel life.
I do think of the future sometimes with hope. I even wear a ring on my pinky finger now that says "hope" on it. I look at it often to remind myself to have said hope. I hope to have more better days than bad. I hope to adjust to the "new normal" I now face. I hope to hold a baby - any baby, even if it's not mine. I hope to have a child my husband and I can love and watch develop into an amazing adult and reach all the milestones we'll never get to experience with Corbin here on earth. This hopefully future child will know all about their big brother, as he will always be a part of our family.
I dream of a happier future than the present. I'm not "down" all the time but I wouldn't exactly say I'm "up" either. I'm going to be guest writing for a new online magazine dealing with loss that will be launching in May 2012. I've already written my first article and can't wait to see it online for the world to see. In the future I plan on finish the writing of our story that I started after Corbin became an angel. I'm not 100% what I'm going to do with that writing once it's finished but I may look to have it published as there isn't much literature out there for people experiencing such tragic loss. We're participating in the March of Dimes Walk for Babies on April 28, 2012 (Corbin's 6 month birthday) which raises money for babies in the NICU as well as research and education. I hope to do more events like this and help raise money for a cause very near and dear to our hearts in Corbin's honor.
I know that no one knows their future. That's why it's called the future. My hope, my dream, and my wish is to find peace, learn to live and have the baby to hold that my arms ache for. No one could ever take the place Corbin holds in my heart. Always and forever.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The perspective
I was talking to a very dear and close friend of mine the other day who currently has a son in the NICU (he's doing great but a long way to go yet). We started talking about how certain events in your life can cause you to gain a new perspective. I'd like to share with you mine.
There are so many things in life that I used to think were important but now realize they're simply not. I've spent years trying to establish a career that I would find both rewarding and also one that would make a lot of money. Believe me, money is still good. Bills do have to be paid but it's now more important to me to have a job or career I truly like and would be flexible for hopeful future life changes. Complaining about your boss, or how you got passed over for yet another promotion or being upset that you don't make X just simply isn't important.
Good friends and family contribute more to a happy life than anything else in the world. Take the time to get together with friends you keep meaning to but don't because you claim to be too "busy." When you really think about it you're aren't as busy as you think. Make people who mean the world to you a priority. You never know when you won't have that time anymore.
Facebook can be a total waste of time most of the time. Yes, it's great to be able to get back in touch with people you haven't talked to in years. It's also a great way to get news out to a lot of people at once. But you can get sucked into it and waste hours of your day reading a bunch of statuses and for what? Think of what you could be doing with your time.
It's ok to focus on doing what's best for you. It's not considered selfish. Too many people focus on what other people think of them and do what they feel others want them to do. Who cares what people think? Especially strangers. No one else lives your life or knows you entire life story like you do. Everyone has been through something and everyone deals with it in their own way.
Life is precious, life is short. Figure out what's most important to you and focus on it. I hate that it took losing my son to figure all this out but I'm still glad I found it.
There are so many things in life that I used to think were important but now realize they're simply not. I've spent years trying to establish a career that I would find both rewarding and also one that would make a lot of money. Believe me, money is still good. Bills do have to be paid but it's now more important to me to have a job or career I truly like and would be flexible for hopeful future life changes. Complaining about your boss, or how you got passed over for yet another promotion or being upset that you don't make X just simply isn't important.
Good friends and family contribute more to a happy life than anything else in the world. Take the time to get together with friends you keep meaning to but don't because you claim to be too "busy." When you really think about it you're aren't as busy as you think. Make people who mean the world to you a priority. You never know when you won't have that time anymore.
Facebook can be a total waste of time most of the time. Yes, it's great to be able to get back in touch with people you haven't talked to in years. It's also a great way to get news out to a lot of people at once. But you can get sucked into it and waste hours of your day reading a bunch of statuses and for what? Think of what you could be doing with your time.
It's ok to focus on doing what's best for you. It's not considered selfish. Too many people focus on what other people think of them and do what they feel others want them to do. Who cares what people think? Especially strangers. No one else lives your life or knows you entire life story like you do. Everyone has been through something and everyone deals with it in their own way.
Life is precious, life is short. Figure out what's most important to you and focus on it. I hate that it took losing my son to figure all this out but I'm still glad I found it.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The "nevers"
There are times when my mind gets stuck on certain thoughts. One of the things my mind tends to get stuck on most is what I call "The nevers." I leave these specifically to him and on this earth. I hope some day in heaven I can do all the things on this list we were never able to do here on earth.
We'll never:
Hear him laugh
Hear his first word
Watch him roll over
Watch him crawl
See him walk
Watch him play sports
Embarrass him on his first day of school by taking pictures while getting on the bus for the first time
Teach him how to ride a bike
Teach him to tie his shoes
Take pictures before a school dance
Get a macaroni and paste project from school
Buy him school supplies
Pass out his school pictures
Take him to Disney World
Take him swimming in grandma and grandpa's pool
Stay up all night waiting for him to come home
Teach him how to drive
Watch him eat solid food for the first time
Watch him smash cake in his face on his first birthday
Take a family picture with him in it
Watch him open a present
Push him on a swing at the park
Take him to Chuck E. Cheese
Take him for his first haircut
Watch him in a school program
Go to a parent/teacher conference for him
Watch him graduate high school
Watch him leave for college
Watch him graduate college
See him get married
Disapprove of the woman he dates
Dance the mother/son dance at his wedding
Have grandchildren that are his children
Pay him an allowance
Watch him ride the dog
Play catch with him
Take him to a professional sports game
Take him trick-or-treating or dress him up for Halloween
Hide eggs for an Easter egg hunt
Get a picture of him with Santa or the Easter Bunny
Kiss a boo-boo
Potty train him
Know the true color of his eyes
See how tall he was going to be
See who he truly looked like more
Take him for a walk around the neighborhood in his stroller
Buy him ice cream from the ice cream man
I hope in the future, we're blessed with the opportunity to have another child. We simply don't know the future and the future is filled with uncertainty. We never imagined our future would end up this way but it has. I hope one day to do the list of these things with his brother or sister.
We'll never:
Hear him laugh
Hear his first word
Watch him roll over
Watch him crawl
See him walk
Watch him play sports
Embarrass him on his first day of school by taking pictures while getting on the bus for the first time
Teach him how to ride a bike
Teach him to tie his shoes
Take pictures before a school dance
Get a macaroni and paste project from school
Buy him school supplies
Pass out his school pictures
Take him to Disney World
Take him swimming in grandma and grandpa's pool
Stay up all night waiting for him to come home
Teach him how to drive
Watch him eat solid food for the first time
Watch him smash cake in his face on his first birthday
Take a family picture with him in it
Watch him open a present
Push him on a swing at the park
Take him to Chuck E. Cheese
Take him for his first haircut
Watch him in a school program
Go to a parent/teacher conference for him
Watch him graduate high school
Watch him leave for college
Watch him graduate college
See him get married
Disapprove of the woman he dates
Dance the mother/son dance at his wedding
Have grandchildren that are his children
Pay him an allowance
Watch him ride the dog
Play catch with him
Take him to a professional sports game
Take him trick-or-treating or dress him up for Halloween
Hide eggs for an Easter egg hunt
Get a picture of him with Santa or the Easter Bunny
Kiss a boo-boo
Potty train him
Know the true color of his eyes
See how tall he was going to be
See who he truly looked like more
Take him for a walk around the neighborhood in his stroller
Buy him ice cream from the ice cream man
I hope in the future, we're blessed with the opportunity to have another child. We simply don't know the future and the future is filled with uncertainty. We never imagined our future would end up this way but it has. I hope one day to do the list of these things with his brother or sister.
Friday, March 16, 2012
My "good" deed
So yesterday I did what I consider to be a "good" deed. I say "good" because it did involve me screaming at someone. It wasn't necessarily my intention but felt it necessary to get my point across and also they struck a nerve.
It started a few weeks ago. I received something in the mail from one of the hospitals within the network where Corbin passed. I didn't know what it was but figured maybe it was something regarding support groups or ways to set up memorials so I decided to open it. What it actually was was a letter stating "Congratulations on the newest addition to your family." It also stated I could return the letter to receive a free first aid kit and also contained a pamphlet containing pediatric referrals. It was like a stab to my already shattered heart. My child passed at one of your hospitals! He was also born at a completely different hospital network entirely.
At the time, I was so peeved I decided I was going to write a letter and not call. I didn't know how I was going to handle calling. Well, I got busy and caught up in other things and hadn't gotten around to writing the letter (or simply wasn't feeling up to it at the time). Wednesday I went to get the mail and low and behold there was yet another letter from this hospital network stating the same thing it said before. I don't know why exactly but I decided it was time to call. If my son wasn't born within their hospital network, how did they get my information? And if they're going off their records, they should state what happened and think twice before sending such information.
I called immediately. I knew when I first called it was going to be someone who's basically a customer service rep. I knew before they even answered they weren't going to have the answers I was looking for but I was determined to get to someone who could. The girl I first spoke to told me there's some 3rd party company that receives birth records and sends out letters on behalf of their hospital network. I had more questions, she didn't have answers. She transferred me to the director of marketing. He didn't answer so I left a voicemail. He didn't call back, so I called the next morning, talked to a customer service rep (who was even more clueless than the first) and she transferred me to the director of marketing again and this time gave me his direct number.
I was somewhat surprised but he actually answered! I started off nice and also vague. I wanted to see what kind of answers he'd give me first. First he tried to tell me that this 3rd party company gets notifications from credit bureaus when they see someone is expecting or just had a baby (I know this not to be true, credit bureaus do not show any such information regarding this.) He then proceeded to tell me I was the 9th person to call and say they received this information in error. Come to find out the 8 other people received the information were not expecting nor just had a baby.
I know he still didn't know my situation but this is the point where I lost it. I screamed and told him I did have a baby and that he passed at one of their hospitals. I also explained that I don't understand why when something like that happens, why their system doesn't flag something and stop information like what I received from coming. He told me there was and that it failed (DUH!). I told him I didn't want this happening to anyone else. He told me he wanted to look into what happened in our case. He took down my info and told me he'd get back to me with answers and how they were going to prevent this in the future. I sat and shook for the better part of an hour.
He called me back yesterday afternoon. He told me they didn't have a flag in place for situations like ours. He told me in the 18 months of the programs existence, our situation had never come up (I still find this hard to believe). He told me they now have a system in place so this will never happen again and that our information has been removed from their marketing system. He then told me that they're actually looking into this program and are thinking of ending it completely because they don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else.
So in the end I feel like I did a "good" deed for, unfortunately, future loss mommies in my area. It hurt me deeply to have to go through what I did but I find comfort in knowing that this won't happen to anyone else. I've also learned you don't mess with a loss mommy. We protect our own!
It started a few weeks ago. I received something in the mail from one of the hospitals within the network where Corbin passed. I didn't know what it was but figured maybe it was something regarding support groups or ways to set up memorials so I decided to open it. What it actually was was a letter stating "Congratulations on the newest addition to your family." It also stated I could return the letter to receive a free first aid kit and also contained a pamphlet containing pediatric referrals. It was like a stab to my already shattered heart. My child passed at one of your hospitals! He was also born at a completely different hospital network entirely.
At the time, I was so peeved I decided I was going to write a letter and not call. I didn't know how I was going to handle calling. Well, I got busy and caught up in other things and hadn't gotten around to writing the letter (or simply wasn't feeling up to it at the time). Wednesday I went to get the mail and low and behold there was yet another letter from this hospital network stating the same thing it said before. I don't know why exactly but I decided it was time to call. If my son wasn't born within their hospital network, how did they get my information? And if they're going off their records, they should state what happened and think twice before sending such information.
I called immediately. I knew when I first called it was going to be someone who's basically a customer service rep. I knew before they even answered they weren't going to have the answers I was looking for but I was determined to get to someone who could. The girl I first spoke to told me there's some 3rd party company that receives birth records and sends out letters on behalf of their hospital network. I had more questions, she didn't have answers. She transferred me to the director of marketing. He didn't answer so I left a voicemail. He didn't call back, so I called the next morning, talked to a customer service rep (who was even more clueless than the first) and she transferred me to the director of marketing again and this time gave me his direct number.
I was somewhat surprised but he actually answered! I started off nice and also vague. I wanted to see what kind of answers he'd give me first. First he tried to tell me that this 3rd party company gets notifications from credit bureaus when they see someone is expecting or just had a baby (I know this not to be true, credit bureaus do not show any such information regarding this.) He then proceeded to tell me I was the 9th person to call and say they received this information in error. Come to find out the 8 other people received the information were not expecting nor just had a baby.
I know he still didn't know my situation but this is the point where I lost it. I screamed and told him I did have a baby and that he passed at one of their hospitals. I also explained that I don't understand why when something like that happens, why their system doesn't flag something and stop information like what I received from coming. He told me there was and that it failed (DUH!). I told him I didn't want this happening to anyone else. He told me he wanted to look into what happened in our case. He took down my info and told me he'd get back to me with answers and how they were going to prevent this in the future. I sat and shook for the better part of an hour.
He called me back yesterday afternoon. He told me they didn't have a flag in place for situations like ours. He told me in the 18 months of the programs existence, our situation had never come up (I still find this hard to believe). He told me they now have a system in place so this will never happen again and that our information has been removed from their marketing system. He then told me that they're actually looking into this program and are thinking of ending it completely because they don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else.
So in the end I feel like I did a "good" deed for, unfortunately, future loss mommies in my area. It hurt me deeply to have to go through what I did but I find comfort in knowing that this won't happen to anyone else. I've also learned you don't mess with a loss mommy. We protect our own!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Tattoo
I want to preface this by saying that I had always said I would never, ever, ever, ever in a million years ever get a tattoo. I have an issue with needles. The thought of having a machine with a needle on the end of it poking holes in your body over and over again freaked me out. I also know that tattoos are permanent and could never imagine anything on my body that I wouldn't in some way, shape or form regret at some point in my life. But that was then. Remember when I said that I'm not the same person I was before? Here's proof. Yesterday my husband and I got our first tattoos.
The idea started the day he passed. I had this urge and desire to get a tattoo to memorialize Corbin. A day or two later, my husband said "so this is going to sound crazy but I think I want to get a tattoo." Imagine the surprise on his face when I looked at him and said, "so do I," as I pointed to my left side and said hand print, foot print, name and dates.
We waited a few weeks for everything to settle down and to make sure that the decision we made was actually what we wanted to do. We still wanted them. We found a place that came highly recommended and made an appointment for a consultation. That night we scheduled the appointment to get our tattoos done. We both wanted the same artwork and wanted it to be done on the same day.
I was nervous when we walked in but still more excited than anything. Regardless, I had my husband go first. An hour and a half later Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates were forever in place on his right calf. "With his foot print on my leg, I know that every step I take, Corbin is taking with me," he said. It was perfect.
I was up next. I wanted my tattoo positioned on my left side above my hip. I'd been told by several people that it would really, really hurt to get a tattoo done there. I knew it would but I couldn't think of any other place I wanted this tattoo to be. My left side is where I felt the most kicks and pokes while I was pregnant. I wanted that permanent reminder. Another hour and a half later, my left side permanently had Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates on it. Did it hurt? Yes. Knowing now how it feels to be tattooed, would I do it again in that exact same spot. Absolutely. The pain was worth every second just to have this memorial.
The pictures:
The idea started the day he passed. I had this urge and desire to get a tattoo to memorialize Corbin. A day or two later, my husband said "so this is going to sound crazy but I think I want to get a tattoo." Imagine the surprise on his face when I looked at him and said, "so do I," as I pointed to my left side and said hand print, foot print, name and dates.
We waited a few weeks for everything to settle down and to make sure that the decision we made was actually what we wanted to do. We still wanted them. We found a place that came highly recommended and made an appointment for a consultation. That night we scheduled the appointment to get our tattoos done. We both wanted the same artwork and wanted it to be done on the same day.
I was nervous when we walked in but still more excited than anything. Regardless, I had my husband go first. An hour and a half later Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates were forever in place on his right calf. "With his foot print on my leg, I know that every step I take, Corbin is taking with me," he said. It was perfect.
I was up next. I wanted my tattoo positioned on my left side above my hip. I'd been told by several people that it would really, really hurt to get a tattoo done there. I knew it would but I couldn't think of any other place I wanted this tattoo to be. My left side is where I felt the most kicks and pokes while I was pregnant. I wanted that permanent reminder. Another hour and a half later, my left side permanently had Corbin's hand print, foot print, name and dates on it. Did it hurt? Yes. Knowing now how it feels to be tattooed, would I do it again in that exact same spot. Absolutely. The pain was worth every second just to have this memorial.
The pictures:
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Happy Memories
I'm really attempting to have a good day today. I want to share some happy memories that we have of our Corbin.
He loved to kick me while in my belly. I always said he was practicing to be a ninja.
He hated his feeding tube in the NICU. He was forever trying to pull it out and got really close once.
He didn't like his special glasses he had to wear while under his Billy Light. Every time I walked in the room he either had them almost off or twisted.
When he got mad, he got mad fast. He had a heart monitor that would alarm whenever it went over 200. We called it the Corbin's Pissed Alarm.
He was an avid farter. So many times we thought he filled his diaper and it was just a fart. He was so good at it, the NICU nurses would mention his pension for farting in their shift reports.
He struggled to take to breastfeeding. My husband likes to change the words to songs. Best one ever - he changed the words to KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty" to "Suck the Boobie" The song went "Suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck. Suck the boobie. Suck the boobie!" One of the lactation consultants showed us an arm pumping technique to help him feed. It was hilarious when added to the song.
He was a vivid dreamer. He constantly made sounds in his sleep that sounded like a sheep or goat.
He loved laying in his swing but did not actually like it to swing.
He was laying in his bouncy seat one night while we were watching a movie. There was an explosion in the movie and it startled him so much he threw his arms above his head. It was like he was on a roller coaster.
He constantly peed on himself. Once he actually managed to get it in his hair and his ear.
Even though we never heard him speak a word in life, he was and still is a really funny kid.
Love you Corbie!
He loved to kick me while in my belly. I always said he was practicing to be a ninja.
He hated his feeding tube in the NICU. He was forever trying to pull it out and got really close once.
He didn't like his special glasses he had to wear while under his Billy Light. Every time I walked in the room he either had them almost off or twisted.
When he got mad, he got mad fast. He had a heart monitor that would alarm whenever it went over 200. We called it the Corbin's Pissed Alarm.
He was an avid farter. So many times we thought he filled his diaper and it was just a fart. He was so good at it, the NICU nurses would mention his pension for farting in their shift reports.
He struggled to take to breastfeeding. My husband likes to change the words to songs. Best one ever - he changed the words to KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty" to "Suck the Boobie" The song went "Suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck. Suck the boobie. Suck the boobie!" One of the lactation consultants showed us an arm pumping technique to help him feed. It was hilarious when added to the song.
He was a vivid dreamer. He constantly made sounds in his sleep that sounded like a sheep or goat.
He loved laying in his swing but did not actually like it to swing.
He was laying in his bouncy seat one night while we were watching a movie. There was an explosion in the movie and it startled him so much he threw his arms above his head. It was like he was on a roller coaster.
He constantly peed on himself. Once he actually managed to get it in his hair and his ear.
Even though we never heard him speak a word in life, he was and still is a really funny kid.
Love you Corbie!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
For my friends
I was talking to one of my super good friends the other night and it got me thinking. For this post I'd like to talk to and about my friends.
First, thank you all for your support. Your thoughts and prayers hold us up when we feel we're going to fall. We were absolutely blown away by the sheer number of you who came to support us at Corbin's service. It really meant a lot to us to have you there.
We've spoke to many of you since everything happened and there's a few things I'd simply like to say. This is not directed at any particular person and it is not my intention to offend.
Many of you have expressed that you don't know what to say to us. I want you to know that it's completely ok. I've realized that honestly there are no words on this earth good enough for my Corbin. Also, there unfortunately isn't a magic word or sentence or paragraph or story that will change what happened or prevent us from hurting.
On the same line - many of you have expressed that you don't know what to do for us. Again, there's no magic thing. Here is what I can say though:
First, thank you all for your support. Your thoughts and prayers hold us up when we feel we're going to fall. We were absolutely blown away by the sheer number of you who came to support us at Corbin's service. It really meant a lot to us to have you there.
We've spoke to many of you since everything happened and there's a few things I'd simply like to say. This is not directed at any particular person and it is not my intention to offend.
Many of you have expressed that you don't know what to say to us. I want you to know that it's completely ok. I've realized that honestly there are no words on this earth good enough for my Corbin. Also, there unfortunately isn't a magic word or sentence or paragraph or story that will change what happened or prevent us from hurting.
On the same line - many of you have expressed that you don't know what to do for us. Again, there's no magic thing. Here is what I can say though:
- It's nice to get a call, a text, a facebook message or email simply saying you're thinking about us - especially on the difficult milestone days (birth date and passing date)
- I appreciate when people attempt to include us in their activities - just please be patient. There are times when we really would like to see you but I simply don't feel like leaving the house or I'm simply having a bad day.
- I love hearing stories of events that happen in people's lives that make you think of Corbin or you feel Corbin's spirit or presence. It warms my heart and makes me smile.
- I'd love for whoever is up to it, to come with us sometime to the cemetery. It's obviously not a "fun" thing to do but Corbin loves to see people visit.
- I have a hard time making decisions about anything right now. It's seriously much easier for you to say "let's go out to eat here" or "let's go here". I appreciate everyone trying to do what I want to do but I don't know what that is most of the time. (Just don't suggest things like Chuck E. Cheese :o) )
- It's ok to cry even if I'm not. I know many of you have children and this sort of hits home - just be careful if you're sad or crying and want to call. I can honestly be having an ok day and then lose it when the person on the other line is sobbing.
- Hugs are sometimes the best thing.
- Don't feel you always have to say you're sorry. I know it's a common response - I've said it myself - but you didn't do anything to cause this.
- Don't be afraid to talk about your own children sometimes, just don't let it be the only topic of conversation. We also love to talk about our Corbin and would love it if you would listen.
- You don't need to "walk on egg shells" when you talk to us. Sure, there's obvious things people shouldn't say but if you find out you're expecting etc. it's ok to tell us - just please don't confuse our happiness with my probably unequal physical response.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
My heart, my love, my Corbin
Was hoping to post the other day but I didn't have the strength and then yesterday was just a crazy day. Today's post is about my heart, my love, my Corbin.
Mr. Surprise. That's what we tend to call him. We were surprised to be pregnant in the first place - that was never in our plans. We were surprised when I started feeling pains on the night of October 27, 2011, went to the hospital and overheard the triage nurse telling the on call doctor that I was going to be admitted and we were having the baby tonight. I wasn't due till December 3rd. To this day I'm still overwhelmingly surprised at how instantaneous and great my love was for Corbin the moment he was born. He took my breath away. I knew in that moment that I was meant to be a mommy.
The day he was born was one of the greatest days of my life. When we brought him home on November 8, 2011, I was so happy and excited to begin our lives at home as a family and watching him learn and grow. I would sit in the NICU for hours staring at him and holding him. I'd feed him and tell myself I'll hold you till the big hand gets to the 5. Ok, the 6. Ok, the 7. It would be almost to the 5 again before I'd finally put him back to bed. He loved to be swaddled but did not like his arms to be included in that swaddle. He hated his feeding tube and was constantly trying to pull it out. He got really close once. He was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I know I'm biased but he was gorgeous.
I sang to him. I changed his diapey. I dressed him in adorable little clothes. I gave him baths. I fed him. I loved everything about him. I loved being a mommy. I know I will forever be Corbin's mommy but I miss doing all the "mommy things" I got to do for such a brief time. I just miss him so much and would give anything and everything I have to be able to have him here with us again. He's my heart. He's my love. He's forever my Corbin. Mommy loves you Mr. Peepers!
Mr. Surprise. That's what we tend to call him. We were surprised to be pregnant in the first place - that was never in our plans. We were surprised when I started feeling pains on the night of October 27, 2011, went to the hospital and overheard the triage nurse telling the on call doctor that I was going to be admitted and we were having the baby tonight. I wasn't due till December 3rd. To this day I'm still overwhelmingly surprised at how instantaneous and great my love was for Corbin the moment he was born. He took my breath away. I knew in that moment that I was meant to be a mommy.
The day he was born was one of the greatest days of my life. When we brought him home on November 8, 2011, I was so happy and excited to begin our lives at home as a family and watching him learn and grow. I would sit in the NICU for hours staring at him and holding him. I'd feed him and tell myself I'll hold you till the big hand gets to the 5. Ok, the 6. Ok, the 7. It would be almost to the 5 again before I'd finally put him back to bed. He loved to be swaddled but did not like his arms to be included in that swaddle. He hated his feeding tube and was constantly trying to pull it out. He got really close once. He was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I know I'm biased but he was gorgeous.
I sang to him. I changed his diapey. I dressed him in adorable little clothes. I gave him baths. I fed him. I loved everything about him. I loved being a mommy. I know I will forever be Corbin's mommy but I miss doing all the "mommy things" I got to do for such a brief time. I just miss him so much and would give anything and everything I have to be able to have him here with us again. He's my heart. He's my love. He's forever my Corbin. Mommy loves you Mr. Peepers!
Friday, March 2, 2012
My Puppy Love
The 2nd greatest guy in my life is my dog Granger. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a Golden Retriever. To me, Goldens are the ultimate dog. When I think of a dog, I think of a Golden, not some little yippy dog. Growing up, my parents had a Pomeranian. I begged for a Golden Retriever but my parents always said they were too much work.
When my husband and I built our first house, I begged for a Golden. He always said no. He said they were too big and we didn't have the room for one. (For the record, our house is 2014 sq. ft.) I got tired of him saying no so I quit asking.
In March of 2009, my husband and I went on vacation. We visited a friend in Charlotte, NC, then drove to visit friends in Fredricksburg, MD and then visited a friend in Washington, DC. We were eating lunch in DC one afternoon, having a conversation having nothing to do with dogs. All of a sudden my husband says to me, "If you want to get a dog, we can get a dog." "What kind of dog can we get?" I asked. "If you want a Golden Retriever, we can get a Golden Retriever," he told me. We returned from vacation and began the search for our dog.
A few days later my husband found someone who had puppies for sale. I emailed her to find out if there were any left. She called me immediately and told me there were 2 left and that she'd send info and pictures. She then proceeded to ask me a laundry list of questions about me, my family and our lifestyle. We passed the round of questions and told her we would look at the pictures and let her know which we chose. It was a difficult choice - Golden puppies are so cute! I couldn't decide, so I left that to my husband. He had the choice between the biggest in the litter (who we were told was a huge cuddler) and the runt of the litter (the "life of the party"). He chose the "life of the party." 2 weekends later, we made the 2 and a half hour trek down to Madison, IN to finally pick up the Golden I'd always wanted.
It was love at first sight. The second I saw him I said "Oh my gosh, I love him!" We held our little 7.5 lb puppy as he shook and talked with the breeder. We left and I held him on my lap the entire drive home. We finally got home and began our lives with our newest family member. As the time went on, the "runt" grew bigger and bigger. He's now 100 lbs and simply big even by Golden Retriever standards.
I wanted a Golden because I think dogs that like to swim are so cool. 10% of Golden Retrievers don't like to swim. We have one. We'll take him to the dog park that has a pond for the dogs. He'll get in it in the shallow area and sit down and dunk his face in it but he won't swim. I also think dogs that like to play fetch are cool. He thinks fetch is stupid. He'll go get a ball or toy once or twice but then he's done. He loves to play frisbee but on his terms and when he wants. He doesn't necessarily do the typical Golden things but that's ok with me. He's a big sweet boy. He loves to cuddle. He loves to rough house. He's happiest just laying around being with his people. He's always with me. Follows me everywhere. Always sits right by me. We often joke we should have named him Shadow or Glue.
Even before Corbin was born, Granger loved him. He would go and lay in his room in front of the crib and take a nap. It was so cute. The day we brought Corbin home from the hospital, Granger ran over to meet him. He immediately gave him kisses. If Granger went outside, when he came back in, he would run over to the swing and give Corbin kisses on his little feet. We already dreaded the day we'd have to explain to Corbin that Granger was in heaven. We figured Corbin would hopefully be 5 or 6 when that conversation would happen. Unfortunately that's not how life has played out and instead of explaining to Corbin that Granger was gone, we had to explain to Granger that Corbin was gone.
Granger definitely has his sad days. Some days he still comes back in the house from being outside and runs over to the swing. A few times he's nudged the swing with his snout to make it rock a bit. Breaks my heart to see him so sad. Regardless of how he feels though he's always there for me. He knows when I need hugs and gives me extra kisses often. Whenever I'm really sad, he'll do something funny or cute just to cheer me up. I can't imagine our lives without him. I'm so glad we have him and I'm glad my husband let me have him.
When my husband and I built our first house, I begged for a Golden. He always said no. He said they were too big and we didn't have the room for one. (For the record, our house is 2014 sq. ft.) I got tired of him saying no so I quit asking.
In March of 2009, my husband and I went on vacation. We visited a friend in Charlotte, NC, then drove to visit friends in Fredricksburg, MD and then visited a friend in Washington, DC. We were eating lunch in DC one afternoon, having a conversation having nothing to do with dogs. All of a sudden my husband says to me, "If you want to get a dog, we can get a dog." "What kind of dog can we get?" I asked. "If you want a Golden Retriever, we can get a Golden Retriever," he told me. We returned from vacation and began the search for our dog.
A few days later my husband found someone who had puppies for sale. I emailed her to find out if there were any left. She called me immediately and told me there were 2 left and that she'd send info and pictures. She then proceeded to ask me a laundry list of questions about me, my family and our lifestyle. We passed the round of questions and told her we would look at the pictures and let her know which we chose. It was a difficult choice - Golden puppies are so cute! I couldn't decide, so I left that to my husband. He had the choice between the biggest in the litter (who we were told was a huge cuddler) and the runt of the litter (the "life of the party"). He chose the "life of the party." 2 weekends later, we made the 2 and a half hour trek down to Madison, IN to finally pick up the Golden I'd always wanted.
It was love at first sight. The second I saw him I said "Oh my gosh, I love him!" We held our little 7.5 lb puppy as he shook and talked with the breeder. We left and I held him on my lap the entire drive home. We finally got home and began our lives with our newest family member. As the time went on, the "runt" grew bigger and bigger. He's now 100 lbs and simply big even by Golden Retriever standards.
I wanted a Golden because I think dogs that like to swim are so cool. 10% of Golden Retrievers don't like to swim. We have one. We'll take him to the dog park that has a pond for the dogs. He'll get in it in the shallow area and sit down and dunk his face in it but he won't swim. I also think dogs that like to play fetch are cool. He thinks fetch is stupid. He'll go get a ball or toy once or twice but then he's done. He loves to play frisbee but on his terms and when he wants. He doesn't necessarily do the typical Golden things but that's ok with me. He's a big sweet boy. He loves to cuddle. He loves to rough house. He's happiest just laying around being with his people. He's always with me. Follows me everywhere. Always sits right by me. We often joke we should have named him Shadow or Glue.
Even before Corbin was born, Granger loved him. He would go and lay in his room in front of the crib and take a nap. It was so cute. The day we brought Corbin home from the hospital, Granger ran over to meet him. He immediately gave him kisses. If Granger went outside, when he came back in, he would run over to the swing and give Corbin kisses on his little feet. We already dreaded the day we'd have to explain to Corbin that Granger was in heaven. We figured Corbin would hopefully be 5 or 6 when that conversation would happen. Unfortunately that's not how life has played out and instead of explaining to Corbin that Granger was gone, we had to explain to Granger that Corbin was gone.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
My Rock
The next few posts I'd like to gush over the amazing people in my life. First up, my amazing husband.
We first met in early April 2000. (The actual date is often a debate in our household) He happened to walk past my dorm room at Ball State and told me that I was going to go out with him and his friends that night. Normally, I'm not a person that does spur of the moment things but that night I just felt I should. We had a great time. He told me when he brought me back to my dorm room that he actually wasn't supposed to be on campus that night and that he had to go back home to go to church with his family in the morning. I gave him my number and he said he'd call me. He didn't. A few days later he showed up at my room. I told him "you lost my number didn't you?" He told me "no" for months before finally admitting he did.
We began dating but the semester was coming to a close. My family lives 3 hours away from school and I was going home for the summer to work. He told me that he didn't think it was going to work out with the distance involved. I told him that we shouldn't just give up and to just let whatever is going to happen, happen. We promised each other we would visit as often as we could. I was home for 4 days before I just had to drive down and see him. It had only been about a month since we'd first met but that feeling of needing to see him so bad was the first time I realized he was the one.
After 8 months of dating he proposed. I instantly told him "yes" but then said that I wanted both of us to finish school first. We both graduated (me in 2002 and him 2004) and built our first house in 2004. I went back to school and graduated again in 2005. We finally got married in a beautiful ceremony near my parents' home on April 22, 2006.
He's the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, hilarious and kind. He's got the biggest heart. He's always supportive of me and goes out of his way to make me happy. The day I found out I was pregnant I panicked. It was not in our plans and everything about it scared the hell out of me. I sat for hours waiting for him to come home wondering how I would tell him and how he was going to react. Was he going to be happy? Sad? Even angry? He finally got home and I told him. I immediately burst into tears. He held me and said "ok."
He's was by my side the entire time. He was there for every doctor appointment that I was scared to go to because of having blood drawn. He helped me with my gestational diabetes. He didn't panic when I called my doctor because I was in pain and they said to go to the hospital. He was calm when the nurse at the hospital told us I was 5 or 6cm and we were going to have the baby that night (whereas I panicked because it was still October and I wasn't due till December 3). He held my hand through every contraction. He was the first one to hold our son. The day he was born I took a picture of him standing next to Corbin. I've never seen him smile the way he smiled that day. He was such a proud daddy.
Through all this heartache our lives now experience he's been my rock. He always seems to know just what to say. Always seems to know when I need to talk and always knows when I just need to be held. I've often said that I would not be able to "get through" any of this with anyone else but him. He's my rock, my world, my everything. I love him more and more everyday.
We first met in early April 2000. (The actual date is often a debate in our household) He happened to walk past my dorm room at Ball State and told me that I was going to go out with him and his friends that night. Normally, I'm not a person that does spur of the moment things but that night I just felt I should. We had a great time. He told me when he brought me back to my dorm room that he actually wasn't supposed to be on campus that night and that he had to go back home to go to church with his family in the morning. I gave him my number and he said he'd call me. He didn't. A few days later he showed up at my room. I told him "you lost my number didn't you?" He told me "no" for months before finally admitting he did.
We began dating but the semester was coming to a close. My family lives 3 hours away from school and I was going home for the summer to work. He told me that he didn't think it was going to work out with the distance involved. I told him that we shouldn't just give up and to just let whatever is going to happen, happen. We promised each other we would visit as often as we could. I was home for 4 days before I just had to drive down and see him. It had only been about a month since we'd first met but that feeling of needing to see him so bad was the first time I realized he was the one.
After 8 months of dating he proposed. I instantly told him "yes" but then said that I wanted both of us to finish school first. We both graduated (me in 2002 and him 2004) and built our first house in 2004. I went back to school and graduated again in 2005. We finally got married in a beautiful ceremony near my parents' home on April 22, 2006.
He's the most amazing man I've ever met. He's sweet, hilarious and kind. He's got the biggest heart. He's always supportive of me and goes out of his way to make me happy. The day I found out I was pregnant I panicked. It was not in our plans and everything about it scared the hell out of me. I sat for hours waiting for him to come home wondering how I would tell him and how he was going to react. Was he going to be happy? Sad? Even angry? He finally got home and I told him. I immediately burst into tears. He held me and said "ok."
He's was by my side the entire time. He was there for every doctor appointment that I was scared to go to because of having blood drawn. He helped me with my gestational diabetes. He didn't panic when I called my doctor because I was in pain and they said to go to the hospital. He was calm when the nurse at the hospital told us I was 5 or 6cm and we were going to have the baby that night (whereas I panicked because it was still October and I wasn't due till December 3). He held my hand through every contraction. He was the first one to hold our son. The day he was born I took a picture of him standing next to Corbin. I've never seen him smile the way he smiled that day. He was such a proud daddy.
Through all this heartache our lives now experience he's been my rock. He always seems to know just what to say. Always seems to know when I need to talk and always knows when I just need to be held. I've often said that I would not be able to "get through" any of this with anyone else but him. He's my rock, my world, my everything. I love him more and more everyday.
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