It's Saturday which typically means a pretty busy day for most of us. There's errands, housecleaning, maybe a child's sports game, a get together with friends. After you finish reading this, I'd like everyone to stop what they're doing for even a minute and think.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Sunset
When you begin the journey that I'm on you find that there are several things out there that you can do as a memorial to your child. One of the big things several loss mommies I know have done is get what's called "The Sunset Picture."
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
There's a woman in Perth, Australia named Carley who lost her son Christian. She created a website where you can put your angel's name on a wait list. Almost every night, she goes to the beach and writes children's name in the sand. I learned only after getting on the wait list that not only does she write the name in the sand during a beautiful sunset but her and her daughters also say your child's name out loud. I find it very cool that Corbin's name has been said as far away as Australia.
A few weeks ago I checked my spot on the wait list only to find that Corbin's name was no longer there and that his sunset had been captured. The initial sight of it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Most parents get pictures from their children which are simply scribbled lines. I may never get such pictures from Corbin but the one picture he made just for me is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Surprise!
Today is the anniversary of our first surprise. Most of you don't know what today is. Sure, it's Thursday and April 12th. You know what today is but have no idea the meaning today has for me. On this day last year, we found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had always said we weren't going to have kids. We were perfectly happy being the cool aunt and uncle and sort of adopting our friends' kids as our own. Little did we know we had both changed our minds.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
A week before we found out, my mind had started wandering. Maybe I was pregnant. I had to put it out of my mind though because I was preparing to take one of the CPA tests and needed to focus on that. The weekend before we found out I didn't feel well. I just figured I caught something and really didn't think anything of it. My mind started wandering again but I didn't say anything because I figured I was getting worked up for nothing.
That Tuesday my mind would just not shut off. My husband is a free mason and was going to be attending a meeting that night and wouldn't be home till late. After I finished working that day I finally decided I was going to go and get a test to tell my brain to shut up. I went to CVS, bought a digital test and came home. I read the directions and took the test. It said results would take 3 minutes. It was more like 3 seconds. The test said I was pregnant. I stared at it in disbelief for about 10 minutes. I dropped the stick 3 times. I convinced myself to go downstairs and make dinner. I stood in the kitchen staring at nothing for probably 15 minutes.
I had hours to kill before my husband got home. I tried to watch TV to keep my mind off of things. It didn't work. My mind raced with thoughts of what this means and also how my husband was going to take the news since this wasn't part of "the plan." I thought about what he would say. I was scared to death of the entire situation.
He called me on his way home like he always does. I knew he was going to so I had told myself just to act as natural as possible because I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The phone call was torture. He finally got home. I did my best not to act like anything was wrong but between him knowing me that well and me not being able to mask my emotions, he walked in, looked at me and asked "what's wrong?" I told him I was pregnant and immediately started bawling. My husband can be very level headed and this was one of those times. He looked at me and said "ok." He then told me that he thought I was going to tell him that I lost my job. (if that was the case I probably wouldn't have been that upset). We talked for hours that night as I freaked out about being pregnant, giving birth, raising a baby and paying for college (yes, my mind moved that quickly). He said a lot that night and some of the funniest things he said were "you couldn't have told me yesterday before I bought the TV?" (he'd been looking to buy a TV for close to a year at that point and finally pulled the trigger the day before). "Sweet, now I have a DD for the next 9 months!" This always came up whenever one of our friends was pregnant. "Are you sure it's mine, I've been in Cleveland a lot". He'd been traveling a lot for work lately. I knew he was joking but knew he was going to bring it up.
This was the first of the many surprises to come from who eventually became Corbin. I was so freaked out and scared that day. I remember every moment of that day vividly. I wish today was last year all over again in hindsight.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
4 Months
4 months ago today was the last time I held my son. That's 1/3 of a year. Think of all that has transpired since 4 months ago. Christmas came and went and a New Year was upon us. I turned a year older. Babies were born and winter turned to spring. Flowers have bloomed and temperatures have climbed. Normally I love when the temperatures get warmer because that means no more shoveling or bundling up to take Granger for a walk. I find that I no longer like the beautiful weather. The beautiful weather brings more people outside and mommies pushing strollers with their little ones inside. I can't help but think that that mommy should be me.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
My world is still shattered. My heart is still broken into an infinite number of pieces. I still struggle with the question "who am I?" I still don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I miss Corbin so much. My empty arms ache to hold him. I would give anything and do anything to hold him again. I pray for this pain I'm feeling to stop and to find my way once again. I yearn for the person I will never be again.
I remember every moment of the day he was born and the day he passed so vividly. The memories bring both happiness and dreams as well as sadness and nightmares. I miss doing the mommy things that I was so scared to do but quickly learned to love. There is a future that will never be. Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this hole they call grief, I'm pulled right back down to where I started and sometimes I feel I'm even further down. I hope with time, I will make the progress I seek.
Mommy, Daddy and Granger miss you Corbin Scott. We love you more than anyone can ever love anything. Life isn't the same without you and will never be. Even though you're no longer here with us you still never cease to amaze us each and every day. Always in our thoughts and forever in our hearts.
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