Think about the following question and then think about how many times you've been asked it and then in turn, how many times you've asked it yourself........do you have any kids? This question is asked when you go to the dentists office. It's asked when you're getting your haircut. Business lunch with a new client? Yep, it's asked then too. Even at a get-together at a friend's house, when you start talking to someone you've never met before, it's asked.
Now think about how you answer. If you have living children, you say yes. You may go into whether you boys or girls, what their names are and their ages. If you don't have children and you want it that way, you say NOOOOOO in a heartbeat. It's a simple question right? Right?
Now think of a parent who's child is an angel. How are they supposed to answer this question. Say no and you feel like you deny your child's existence. There can also be the follow-up of "well why not?" or "oh, you totally should, being a parent is the best feeling in the world!" Simply say yes and the follow-up question of "boy or girl? how old are they?" and "what's their name," gets asked. Now the angel parent makes the person asking uncomfortable.
I've tried several different approaches to answering this question. Simply saying yes leads to the follow-up questions. I can answer the gender question just fine, even his name is easy. How old is he? That's a tough one. I've answered with "we have a son but he doesn't live with us," and then I feel like this person automatically assumes CPS took him from us or I'm divorced and wasn't awarded custody. I answered that way once when we were looking at a house and the neighbor came out to talk to us to explain why there was part of a fence but not the whole thing. I decided I can never answer like that again.
I cannot deny my son and will never deny my son. I've tried answering yes and when the "how old?" question comes around I've tried saying "he will always and forever be 5 weeks and 1 day old." It's apparently not as obvious as one would think. The answer I've found tends to work the best, at least for me, is "we have a son who's an angel in heaven." If you don't add the "in heaven" part then people simply think you think your child is the best in the world and super good.
I'd like to begin a movement and this is where the favor comes in. I move we stop asking this question. When it become normal to include this question in normal, getting to know you, chit-chat. Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? How do you know the person you just asked that question to hasn't been desperately trying for a child for years? Maybe their child just became an angel. Maybe they recently got divorced over this very issue. You just never know. So if you work in a profession where this question gets asked a lot (dentists and their hygienists, sales people and hairdressers come to mind), don't ask it. If you meet someone for the first time, don't ask it. Just don't ask it. You have no idea how hard it can be for a lot of people to answer that question.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Life and a rainbow
It feels like it has been forever since I've written a new post. Life has been so crazy lately and I haven't had a chance to write.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Giant Step
Sorry I haven't written any new posts lately. Life has been extremely hectic and I haven't had a chance to write.
Last weekend I took a giant step. Yes, most if not everything I do on a daily basis these days is a giant step but this one in particular was huge.
We have very good friends and neighbors of ours who's baby is in the NICU and has been since January 24, 2012. He's had a long and difficult road but right now is doing great. These friends have been super supportive of us during this time and we've done the best we can to be as supportive of them as we can be. Last weekend I told them that I wanted to come to the hospital and visit their son again. I had only been up to see him once since he was born and that was months ago.
The four of us went out to lunch and then my husband and my neighbor's husband went to see a movie. The 2 of us girls went to the cemetery to visit Corbin since she hadn't had a chance to visit him yet and then we went to the hospital to see their son. I sat there and watched mother and child interact for a while and then (and I'm still surprised at myself that I did this), I asked if I could hold him! And I did!
You might think, what's the big deal? You simply held a baby. This may not be a big deal to most but this was the first child I've held since we lost Corbin. I had talked to Corbin about it before and he told me if I was going to hold another baby, it was ok to hold our neighbor's because as he always puts it "He's only my best friend on Earth!"
I cried, I sobbed, I wept. Tears streamed down my face. The emotional toll it took on me was insane. It felt good to hold a baby - my arms have been aching for so long, but it also made me miss Corbin that much more. I remembered the happy times when I held Corbin and also remembered the very last time I held him after he had left this earth. I was happy this baby was with us but sad that mine wasn't.
The nurse our friends had that day was a nurse we had when we were in the NICU and she was one of our favorites. She said I looked familiar but couldn't place it. I told her where she knew me and what happened. As I sat there holding our friend's child and bawled, she patted my back and talked to me. It was very sweet of her to do that. At one point our friend's baby fell asleep on my chest and his little hand was on the pendant I wear with Corbin's name and hand print and foot print on it. It was as if he understood the connection.
I never imagined I could ever hold a child again that wasn't my own. I never imagined that at just slightly over 6 months I would do what I did but I knew if ever there was a situation where everyone would be ok with how I reacted and if ever there was a baby that wasn't mine I would hold, it was him. And I'm glad I did it.
Last weekend I took a giant step. Yes, most if not everything I do on a daily basis these days is a giant step but this one in particular was huge.
We have very good friends and neighbors of ours who's baby is in the NICU and has been since January 24, 2012. He's had a long and difficult road but right now is doing great. These friends have been super supportive of us during this time and we've done the best we can to be as supportive of them as we can be. Last weekend I told them that I wanted to come to the hospital and visit their son again. I had only been up to see him once since he was born and that was months ago.
The four of us went out to lunch and then my husband and my neighbor's husband went to see a movie. The 2 of us girls went to the cemetery to visit Corbin since she hadn't had a chance to visit him yet and then we went to the hospital to see their son. I sat there and watched mother and child interact for a while and then (and I'm still surprised at myself that I did this), I asked if I could hold him! And I did!
You might think, what's the big deal? You simply held a baby. This may not be a big deal to most but this was the first child I've held since we lost Corbin. I had talked to Corbin about it before and he told me if I was going to hold another baby, it was ok to hold our neighbor's because as he always puts it "He's only my best friend on Earth!"
I cried, I sobbed, I wept. Tears streamed down my face. The emotional toll it took on me was insane. It felt good to hold a baby - my arms have been aching for so long, but it also made me miss Corbin that much more. I remembered the happy times when I held Corbin and also remembered the very last time I held him after he had left this earth. I was happy this baby was with us but sad that mine wasn't.
The nurse our friends had that day was a nurse we had when we were in the NICU and she was one of our favorites. She said I looked familiar but couldn't place it. I told her where she knew me and what happened. As I sat there holding our friend's child and bawled, she patted my back and talked to me. It was very sweet of her to do that. At one point our friend's baby fell asleep on my chest and his little hand was on the pendant I wear with Corbin's name and hand print and foot print on it. It was as if he understood the connection.
I never imagined I could ever hold a child again that wasn't my own. I never imagined that at just slightly over 6 months I would do what I did but I knew if ever there was a situation where everyone would be ok with how I reacted and if ever there was a baby that wasn't mine I would hold, it was him. And I'm glad I did it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Answers to Questions
Sorry that I've been MIA for a while. My husband and I have decided we're going to put our house on the market and we've been busy preparing the house. It's been exhausting but also nice to have a bit of a distraction. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post where I asked all of you to ask me any questions you may have for me. Thank you to all of you that asked questions.
What have you done with Corbin's things?
All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him. That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib. His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top. His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it. When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.
Are we going to try to have another baby?
Yes. We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday. Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another. We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.
Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?
Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet. I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there. We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there. I also can't go to a toy store. I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.
What is a typical day like for you?
I get up at 5:30 during the week. I work from 6-3:30 normally. After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything. I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most. I take Granger for a walk everyday. If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.
How often do you go to the cemetery?
It sort of depends. Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by. We try to go at least once a month but it varies.
When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?
Yes. They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart. They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him. They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing. We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." I'll be honest. At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover. I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.
Are things getting better for you?
I don't like to use the word "better." It just doesn't seem to fit the situation. We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it. As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise. The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart. I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.
Again, thank you for asking these questions. If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you for all your love and support.
What have you done with Corbin's things?
All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him. That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib. His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top. His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it. When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.
Are we going to try to have another baby?
Yes. We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday. Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another. We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.
Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?
Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet. I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there. We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there. I also can't go to a toy store. I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.
What is a typical day like for you?
I get up at 5:30 during the week. I work from 6-3:30 normally. After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything. I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most. I take Granger for a walk everyday. If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.
How often do you go to the cemetery?
It sort of depends. Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by. We try to go at least once a month but it varies.
When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?
Yes. They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart. They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him. They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing. We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." I'll be honest. At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover. I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.
Are things getting better for you?
I don't like to use the word "better." It just doesn't seem to fit the situation. We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it. As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise. The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart. I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.
Again, thank you for asking these questions. If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you for all your love and support.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mother's Day
So this coming Sunday is Mother's Day. For many women, it's a wonderful day to be celebrated for all that you do as a mother. You get cared for, spend time with your children and enjoy gifts from your children showing their love for you. You may get a hand-made card or gift they spent so much time and effort on.
This will be the first Mother's Day without my son and I'm dreading the day so much. My family is missing one very important member and it won't be a day of spending time with all of them. I know that regardless whether Corbin's here with us or not that I'm always and forever his mother, it's just that a day devoted to mothers and all the special things mothers do for their children seems like torture to a mother that no longer gets to do all the "mommy things" mothers love to do. I won't get a card from him saying how much he loves me and is thankful I'm his mommy. I'm hoping that day that I get several angel kisses and that he watches over me even more than normal. I miss him so much and would give anything to have him with us again so I could do the "mommy things" I never realized I really wanted to do. Hoping the day goes quickly and passes without too much pain.
This will be the first Mother's Day without my son and I'm dreading the day so much. My family is missing one very important member and it won't be a day of spending time with all of them. I know that regardless whether Corbin's here with us or not that I'm always and forever his mother, it's just that a day devoted to mothers and all the special things mothers do for their children seems like torture to a mother that no longer gets to do all the "mommy things" mothers love to do. I won't get a card from him saying how much he loves me and is thankful I'm his mommy. I'm hoping that day that I get several angel kisses and that he watches over me even more than normal. I miss him so much and would give anything to have him with us again so I could do the "mommy things" I never realized I really wanted to do. Hoping the day goes quickly and passes without too much pain.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Q & A
I haven't written in a while because I haven't been able to develop topics. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life from this point forward and hoping I can survive the impending "Mother's Day" that I know will be very difficult. Several people have asked me questions and I know several more questions exist. As a thank you for all the support we've received over the last 5 months, I'd like to open up this blog to questions. You may post them below or send me a private message in Facebook if you'd like to remain anonymous. I'll wait a few days and then answer any questions you may have. Can't wait to see what everyone asks?
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Stop and Think
It's Saturday which typically means a pretty busy day for most of us. There's errands, housecleaning, maybe a child's sports game, a get together with friends. After you finish reading this, I'd like everyone to stop what they're doing for even a minute and think.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
Think about yourself or someone you know. Think back to when either you, yourself were pregnant or someone you knew was. When you told people or you found out, what happened? My guess is you were bombarded with congratulations or gave them. You were asked or asked yourself whether you hoped it was a boy or girl. You had or went to a baby shower where everyone showered you with gifts and everyone melted at the sight of the adorable little outfits you or the mommy were going to put the baby in. You went to the hospital or heard the soon to be new mommy and daddy were on their way to the hospital and the baby would soon be born. When the baby was born the mommy and daddy hear the baby cry, hold them and stare at their beautiful face. Visitors come and fuss over the newest addition. Mommy and baby stay at the hospital for a few days and then the new family goes home and a new life as a family begins.
Now I'd like to go back and examine this phenomenon from a different perspective. The one almost no one thinks from. Think about someone who lost their child. Now imagine someone telling them that they themselves are expecting. Sure, we offer our congratulations and wish them the best. Many times parents who lost their child then go off and cry because we miss our children and wish we were them. Some of us get angry and yell at God asking "why them and not me?" We're jealous of the naive joy and scared that something will happen. Parents who are expecting additional children are even more difficult because so many of us are still waiting to have the joy of one.
Some women never even get to have a baby shower. Some do and then are left with a room filled with items and clothes that will never be used or worn. Some women go to the hospital to a baby that will never make a sound. Some will never take their children home.
So the next time your child is up all night, or sick, or you're running all around time trying to make it to games, practices, school functions etc., stop and think about the parents who will never experience these things and experience the joy so many of us would give everything we have just to experience.
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