Think about the following question and then think about how many times you've been asked it and then in turn, how many times you've asked it yourself........do you have any kids? This question is asked when you go to the dentists office. It's asked when you're getting your haircut. Business lunch with a new client? Yep, it's asked then too. Even at a get-together at a friend's house, when you start talking to someone you've never met before, it's asked.
Now think about how you answer. If you have living children, you say yes. You may go into whether you boys or girls, what their names are and their ages. If you don't have children and you want it that way, you say NOOOOOO in a heartbeat. It's a simple question right? Right?
Now think of a parent who's child is an angel. How are they supposed to answer this question. Say no and you feel like you deny your child's existence. There can also be the follow-up of "well why not?" or "oh, you totally should, being a parent is the best feeling in the world!" Simply say yes and the follow-up question of "boy or girl? how old are they?" and "what's their name," gets asked. Now the angel parent makes the person asking uncomfortable.
I've tried several different approaches to answering this question. Simply saying yes leads to the follow-up questions. I can answer the gender question just fine, even his name is easy. How old is he? That's a tough one. I've answered with "we have a son but he doesn't live with us," and then I feel like this person automatically assumes CPS took him from us or I'm divorced and wasn't awarded custody. I answered that way once when we were looking at a house and the neighbor came out to talk to us to explain why there was part of a fence but not the whole thing. I decided I can never answer like that again.
I cannot deny my son and will never deny my son. I've tried answering yes and when the "how old?" question comes around I've tried saying "he will always and forever be 5 weeks and 1 day old." It's apparently not as obvious as one would think. The answer I've found tends to work the best, at least for me, is "we have a son who's an angel in heaven." If you don't add the "in heaven" part then people simply think you think your child is the best in the world and super good.
I'd like to begin a movement and this is where the favor comes in. I move we stop asking this question. When it become normal to include this question in normal, getting to know you, chit-chat. Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? How do you know the person you just asked that question to hasn't been desperately trying for a child for years? Maybe their child just became an angel. Maybe they recently got divorced over this very issue. You just never know. So if you work in a profession where this question gets asked a lot (dentists and their hygienists, sales people and hairdressers come to mind), don't ask it. If you meet someone for the first time, don't ask it. Just don't ask it. You have no idea how hard it can be for a lot of people to answer that question.
I just happenstance came across your blog via the Capture your Grief project on FB and I have to say I love this post. THANK YOU! I move to support you in this effort!! I HATE this question...for the longest time I hated it because of my IF journey...now I hate it because my only two baby boys that I wanted so desperately are gone. They will forever be 3 days and 3 weeks old...*sigh* Thank you....
ReplyDeleteI too came across your blog via the Capture your Grief Project and I have to say I didn't realize how often this question was asked until I had to be the one answering it. For the most part, I can answer it while choking back the tears but I always feel like I'm the schmuck for making the other person feel umcomfortable when in all actuality, I shouldn't care if they are uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable every day. I avoid situations where this question may be asked. I refuse to go back to the dentist, because I was about to pop last time I was there and I refuse to try a new hair salon because I don't want to make small talk. I actively try to avoid situations where this question will come up. I'm with you. My daughter will forever be only 6 days old. <3
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I keep thinking that I had already replied to this post - I saw it months ago, and even now, it resonates with me. I too never thought of just how much this question can hurt. My parents struggled with infertility (they only conceived me after fertility treatments), and I asked for years for a sibling, never knowing how much it hurt not to be able to do that.
ReplyDeleteI asked the question to my husband's cousin - when she told she had been married for twelve years. It was only then that I learned of her fertility struggles and felt horrible for bringing that up in front of the family, with no warning to her. Ignorance isn't an excuse.
And then I had my miscarriage. I usually answered honestly when people asked - and I usually got sympathy, but also uncomfortableness. Then when I got pregnant with my Rainbow Baby, and people asked if this was our first, I felt horrible trying to say in passing that he was my first. It was lying. Worse, it was denying my Angel Baby. Finally, my husband suggested saying that our Rainbow Baby was going to be our First Born. In our case that worked for the most part, but my loss isn't the same kind of loss that you have lived through. Though my miscarriage was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I know your loss is completely different.
I've been following your blog for a while now, by clicking on your link in your TB siggy. I wish you nothing but condolences and happiness for the future - TB user "katigox"