Answers to Questions

Sorry that I've been MIA for a while.  My husband and I have decided we're going to put our house on the market and we've been busy preparing the house.  It's been exhausting but also nice to have a bit of a distraction.  A few weeks ago, I wrote a post where I asked all of you to ask me any questions you may have for me.  Thank you to all of you that asked questions. 

What have you done with Corbin's things?

All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him.  That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib.  His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top.  His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it.  When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.

Are we going to try to have another baby?

Yes.  We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday.  Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another.  We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.

Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?

Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet.  I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there.  We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there.  I also can't go to a toy store.  I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.

What is a typical day like for you?

I get up at 5:30 during the week.  I work from 6-3:30 normally.  After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything.  I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most.  I take Granger for a walk everyday.  If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.

How often do you go to the cemetery?

It sort of depends.  Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by.  We try to go at least once a month but it varies.

When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?

Yes.  They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart.  They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him.  They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing.  We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry.  There are No Tears in Heaven."  I'll be honest.  At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover.  I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.

Are things getting better for you?

I don't like to use the word "better."  It just doesn't seem to fit the situation.  We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it.  As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise.  The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart.  I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.

Again, thank you for asking these questions.  If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them.  Thank you for all your love and support.

Mother's Day

So this coming Sunday is Mother's Day.  For many women, it's a wonderful day to be celebrated for all that you do as a mother.  You get cared for, spend time with your children and enjoy gifts from your children showing their love for you. You may get a hand-made card or gift they spent so much time and effort on. 

This will be the first Mother's Day without my son and I'm dreading the day so much.  My family is missing one very important member and it won't be a day of spending time with all of them.  I know that regardless whether Corbin's here with us or not that I'm always and forever his mother, it's just that a day devoted to mothers and all the special things mothers do for their children seems like torture to a mother that no longer gets to do all the "mommy things" mothers love to do.  I won't get a card from him saying how much he loves me and is thankful I'm his mommy.  I'm hoping that day that I get several angel kisses and that he watches over me even more than normal.  I miss him so much and would give anything to have him with us again so I could do the "mommy things" I never realized I really wanted to do.  Hoping the day goes quickly and passes without too much pain.

Q & A

I haven't written in a while because I haven't been able to develop topics.  I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life from this point forward and hoping I can survive the impending "Mother's Day" that I know will be very difficult.  Several people have asked me questions and I know several more questions exist.  As a thank you for all the support we've received over the last 5 months, I'd like to open up this blog to questions.  You may post them below or send me a private message in Facebook if you'd like to remain anonymous.  I'll wait a few days and then answer any questions you may have.  Can't wait to see what everyone asks?