What to do with my life

I've struggled with this for years.  What do I want to do as a career?  I thought I had figured it out and then life happened.  I'm back to where I just don't know and it seems more complicated now.  I'm writing this to share my struggles and see if anyone has any advise or insight.

In order to understand the present, I'll start with the past.  I graduated from Ball State University in 2002 with a BA in Finance.  I really enjoyed my accounting classes but the idea of being in school for 6 years nauseated me.  The path my career took with a degree in Finance didn't lead in the direction I hoped it would go.  In 2005 I obtained my MBA through a reputable online university.  I learned quickly that having an MBA with non-applicable experience yields nothing.  After a lot of thought and discussion, I went back to school in 2008 to complete the necessary coursework in Accounting so that I could sit for the CPA exam. 

I've taken the entire CPA exam twice now and have not passed a single section (there's 4).  The last time I attempted an exam was August 8, 2011.  I was pregnant at the time and found it difficult to take the test.  You can only take breaks at certain times and between needing to go to the bathroom and Corbin deciding the middle of the test was a good time to practice his ninja skills it was torture.  After that test I decided I was going to take a break for a bit.

When I first found out I was pregnant, my thought process was that I was going to continue to work.  It's just who I am.  A few months into the pregnancy, my husband and I sat down and decided (at the time against my better wishes) that I would continue to work until Corbin was at the age where he was moving around to much (crawling etc.).  I work from home so it seemed to make sense.  Then, at that point, I would quit working and focus on raising Corbin and studying for the CPA exam.  I honestly struggled with this idea until the moment he was born.  In that moment I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, quit work and be a mommy.  I'd never felt such clarity in my entire life.  I looked forward to quitting my job. 

Then my world came crashing down.  I was still on maternity leave at the time so I was still off of work.  I took a little time off and went back to work on January 3rd.  The original plan was January 23.  It was a struggle to return to work at a job I've been at for almost 8 years and haven't enjoyed for probably 6. 

So now I struggle with what to do.  I'd love to be a mommy.  I know I will forever be but I no longer get to take care of my child the way most mommies do.  I just don't think my heart is into the whole CPA thing anymore.  I lack the focus to study and if we're chosen to be the parents to another child, I'd like to be a stay at home mommy for a while or at least have a job flexible enough to allow me to both work and raise my child.  I just don't know what that career is.  If anyone has any ideas, please share.

I bet you didn't know

I've been writing this for a few days now.  I've found writing lists out helps me sometimes.  My intention is not to offend anyone, just to give some insight into my new life

I bet you didn’t know……

That certain days are hard for me and sometimes for no specific reason

There are some days I can’t even comprehend the thoughts going on in my own head

I often cry myself to sleep at night

Not a moment goes by that I don’t think about my child

When you lose your child, you have to learn how to do everything all over again no matter how small the task

Simple things like grocery shopping can take much longer now as there are times I have to take different and longer paths in a store to stay away from certain people

When I watch TV I have to keep the remote close because I just never know when a commercial will come on that will trigger me

I can’t even set foot in Target anymore

I may appear to look the same on the outside but I’m no longer the person I used to be

I have to sleep with the radio or tv on.  Silence is my worst enemy.

That I am not “strong”.  What I have is not strength.  It’s simply the realization that life does not stop no matter how much I want it to sometimes.  It takes everything I have to try to jump on and not let go.  It’s not strength.  It’s life.

Time will not heal my wounds.  Time will simply teach me how to deal with my shattered heart everyday.

There are several people I’ve had to hide statuses on Facebook because I sometimes can bear to see pictures or read of milestones my child will never reach.

I often cringe when people post things complaining over how their children are sick or acting up.  I would give everything to experience those things with my child

Losing a parent, grandparent or sibling is not the same.  The grief of a parent cannot be understood or compared to any other loss

I love it when people say my child’s name.  The sound is beautiful to me.

If you see me and I’m not crying, it’s ok to cry yourself.  Sometimes I simply have no tears to cry and you take over for me.

Unless I’m in a place where everyone knows, I forever feel like I have a sign over my head saying I lost my child.  I forever wonder if strangers know.

Normal is the most amazing and horrible thing at the same time.  It can bring comfort and sadness.  Normal isn’t normal anymore.

I’m honestly truly happy for everyone who I see announce that they are pregnant.  I also pity and envy their innocence.

If you ask how I’m doing I’ll probably respond with ok, simply because there are no words to describe how I’m actually feeling.

Sometimes I’m just as scared to talk to people as they are to talk to me.

1 in 4 women experience the loss of a child.  Sometimes it’s during gestation, sometimes stillbirth, sometimes during infancy.

There are more parents in this world who have lost children than you know of.

I visit the place where my child is laid to rest often.  My tears of sadness turn to anger as I realize the only way to visit my child is at a cemetery.

There are certain roads I cannot drive on and certain areas bring anxiety.  There have been several times I have driven out of my way to avoid the feeling.

There are certain shows I simply cannot watch anymore.

I’ve bawled over a State Farm commercial and a Taco Bell commercial.

Some triggers are known, some things sometimes are triggers and sometimes they’re not.

Sometimes a trigger comes that you weren’t expecting.  Those are the hardest to deal with.

My dog has hard days too.

It took 2 months for me to finally walk into my child’s room.

The smell of green Palmolive dish soap sickens me.

We’d hoping to have another child but the mere idea scares the hell out of me.

I have a necklace with my child’s name, dates, hand and footprints on it that I wear visibly every day.  I also wear a heart pendant that I never take off because my son used to grab it and not let go – even at a week old.

My mind gets stuck on certain thoughts often.

Many songs are triggers.  The worst are the songs I stumble upon that I never would have thought were triggers.

As much as I’m hurting, I want to share my story and struggles with the world.

Welcome

Hello everyone.  My name is Jessica and I am Corbin's mommy.  Corbin Scott was born on October 28, 2011.  He was 5 weeks and 1 day early due to PTL.  We spent 11 days in the NICU and finally got to bring him home on November 8, 2011.  We were overjoyed to be parents even though my husband and I never thought we wanted to be.  On December 3, 2011 our world shattered as we found him in his crib not breathing.  He was 5 weeks and 1 day old.  The autopsy revealed he had bronchitis, bronchiolitis and trachitis.  We are obviously devistated and miss him every second of everyday as we attempt to adjust to the new "normal."  I write often about my thoughts and feelings and till now have kept those writitngs to myself.  I've decided to share some with all of you.  I've spent much time writing the entire story of our journey beginning with the day we found out we were expecting.  It's not nearly complete at this time but I'm hoping some day to complete it and hope to be able to share it with the world in some fashion.  In the meantime, I plan on posting often about my struggles, hopes and journey as my life goes on somehow.  There is no way to explain to anyone who hasn't been in our position, to explain how we feel but I hope this blog will offer some insight into my daily struggles as I learn life anew.