I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry for that. Life has been very busy and in some ways difficult. Our trip was wonderful yet exhausting. Would do it again in a heart beat though if we could. We've been in our new home for 5 months now. We're settling in well and starting to really make it our own.
This past December marked the first anniversary of Corbin leaving this earth and becoming an angel. The days leading up to the actual date were extremely difficult as was the actual day of and the days after. It's amazing and strange to realize that it has been over a year since we last held him, snuggled him and kissed him.
Since that day, I have been reflecting on where I was (from what I can remember) and where I am now. I know I am in a better place now than I was back then. I also know that I'm still on a difficult journey, both of grief and on finding myself. I've come to the realization that the journey of grief is extremely difficult and never ending, yet for as many times I beg and plead for it to simply be done and over (grief) I also find myself never wanting it to end for I feel a connection to my son.
As for finding myself, I'll be honest. For the longest time, I wasn't even interested in finding that person. I realized my old self was gone and that longing for something that can no longer be gets me no where. However, in the past few weeks I've decided to start finding the new person I have become. For many months I was too afraid to cut my hair. Granted, I have always had issues with getting my hair cut (a few bad hair cuts will do that), but I was too afraid of changing my physical appearance too much to the point Corbin wouldn't recognize his own mother. For what it's worth, I do know that could never happen but grief has a way of making you believe irrational thoughts. This past weekend, I finally cut my hair. I honestly couldn't even tell you how long it has been since I last cut my hair, even the slightest bit. It felt good to do it and I love the new look. I have also started making a very conscious decision to eat better, eat less and exercise. For the past few weeks now I've been doing really well with the food portion and have started ramping up the exercise portion. My goal is to be healthier over all and hopefully lose some weight. I honestly have not lost all the baby weight from Corbin and would love to get down to pre-pregnancy weight and hopefully then some. I'm also trying to work on my over all mental health. I've been working hard to identify the things in my life that bring me down and working on changing what can be changed. I've come to terms with the work history I have, hope to create a career from it and have taken some steps to do just that.
The main reason for this post is to update every one on the goings on in my life and also to hold myself accountable for the things I'm saying I'm going to do. I thank all of you for the love, support, prayers, hugs and thoughts through out the past year and hope they continue in the years to come.
