Peace, Love and Understanding

I realize it's been a long time since I last wrote.  I apologize for the time gap.  As most of you now know, a lot has been going on in our life.  We've been working a lot, we've been getting even more settled into our house and most importantly preparing for the arrival of Corbin's little sister at the end of November!

I've wanted to write for a while now but my husband and I had decided to keep the fact that we were expecting private for awhile.  Every time I wanted to write, I was afraid I'd spill the beans so I held back. Now that we're "public" a subject for a blog post came to mind and this post is it.

Before I continue I would like to say that the following is not directed at any one person individually.  If you're reading this and think "Oh, I did that," it's ok.  I understand your perspective.  This post is simply written to help explain to a large audience what is going on with me as best as possible to as big of an audience as possible so I don't have to continuously explain.

I'd first like to say thank you all for your love, thoughts and support over the past 19 and a half months. Without it, I don't think we'd be where were today.  We've been sincerely blown away by the thoughts and messages we have received.  I know there are questions people have but are most likely afraid to ask.  I'm still very open to talking about anything and everything but I understand why people are afraid to ask questions/bring up certain topics.  In an attempt at understanding and answers to those questions, I figured it's time to address.

"Are you guys excited to be having another child?"

We are absolutely thrilled.  We decided very early on that we wanted Corbin to have a sibling.  Knowing that our wish has been granted is an amazing feeling.  It's one of the greatest things that has happened to us in a long time.  Having said that, please keep in mind that we are also extremely nervous and frightened.  Regardless of the circumstance of the loss of a child, a loss parent will be even more fearful during a subsequent pregnancy.  I understand that my pregnancy wasn't the reason we lost Corbin; however, I now know people who have lost a child at every week of pregnancy and beyond.  Being naïve that "it won't happen to me" no longer exists.  Please keep this in mind.  If I'm speaking to you and confide that I'm scared or worried or nervous or whatever, please don't tell me not to think like that or to "keep happy thoughts, and nothing bad can happen."  I wish it worked like that but it doesn't. A simple, "I'm sorry to have to experience that feeling" or "I can only imagine what you're going through" honestly goes a long way.

"So, you're 'all better' now, right?"

It doesn't work like that.  This child doesn't replace Corbin and was never created to.  If anything, I find myself getting more upset as I realize my "never " list for Corbin now includes doing things with his little sister.  Having another child doesn't make a loss parent miss their angel child any less.  You can't "fix" losing a child.

Baby Shower

This topic has come up quite a bit in many ways, shapes and forms. I completely understand that everyone has the best intentions.  This topic is the one that I'm asking for major compassion and understanding.  Please understand that I do not want a baby shower for our daughter.  Please understand that I'm not "just saying that."  There are many reasons why this is my decision.
(Sorry, I think the easiest way to do this is in a list)

1. This is not my first child.  It's my personal opinion that one is to only have a shower for their first child.  The fact that my son is no longer here doesn't negate the fact that this will be my second child.

2. We really don't need anything.  All of the big items most people need for a baby, we already have. 

3. I know this may seem like an irrational point, but I'm afraid of people spending money on things that could possibly sit in a closet and never get used.

4. In order for my mind to remain as calm as possible, we want to have certain aspects of this pregnancy to be different from the pregnancy with Corbin. There have already been some eerie coincidences that have created anxiety for all of us.     

I understand that everyone is going to want to spoil our daughter rotten and believe me, we're fine with it.  I know everyone loves to buy little girl clothes.  Go for it!  I honestly don't mind.  I just don't want a baby shower.

If you take nothing else away from this post, please take this last bit to heart - Please respect our wishes both today and in the future.  We're navigating through unknown and terrifying waters.  If you're not sure  you should do something - ask.  We're not asking that you agree with our decisions but we ask that you be respectful of them.  Please understand that after she's born, we are going to be extremely paranoid.  We may have requests that seem odd to you.  We ask that you try your best to understand.  We forever appreciate your kind words, love and prayers.

Realizations and Accountability

I know I haven't posted in a while.  Sorry for that.  Life has been very busy and in some ways difficult.  Our trip was wonderful yet exhausting.  Would do it again in a heart beat though if we could.  We've been in our new home for 5 months now.  We're settling in well and starting to really make it our own.

This past December marked the first anniversary of Corbin leaving this earth and becoming an angel.  The days leading up to the actual date were extremely difficult as was the actual day of and the days after.  It's amazing and strange to realize that it has been over a year since we last held him, snuggled him and kissed him.

Since that day, I have been reflecting on where I was (from what I can remember) and where I am now.  I know I am in a better place now than I was back then.  I also know that I'm still on a difficult journey, both of grief and on finding myself.  I've come to the realization that the journey of grief is extremely difficult and never ending, yet for as many times I beg and plead for it to simply be done and over (grief) I also find myself never wanting it to end for I feel a connection to my son.

As for finding myself, I'll be honest.  For the longest time, I wasn't even interested in finding that person.  I realized my old self was gone and that longing for something that can no longer be gets me no where.  However, in the past few weeks I've decided to start finding the new person I have become.  For many months I was too afraid to cut my hair.  Granted, I have always had issues with getting my hair cut (a few bad hair cuts will do that), but I was too afraid of changing my physical appearance too much to the point Corbin wouldn't recognize his own mother.  For what it's worth, I do know that could never happen but grief has a way of making you believe irrational thoughts.  This past weekend, I finally cut my hair.  I honestly couldn't even tell you how long it has been since I last cut my hair, even the slightest bit.  It felt good to do it and I love the new look.  I have also started making a very conscious decision to eat better, eat less and exercise.  For the past few weeks now I've been doing really well with the food portion and have started ramping up the exercise portion.   My goal is to be healthier over all and hopefully lose some weight.  I honestly have not lost all the baby weight from Corbin and would love to get down to pre-pregnancy weight and hopefully then some.  I'm also trying to work on my over all mental health.  I've been working hard to identify the things in my life that bring me down and working on changing what can be changed.  I've come to terms with the work history I have, hope to create a career from it and have taken some steps to do just that. 

The main reason for this post is to update every one on the goings on in my life and also to hold myself accountable for the things I'm saying I'm going to do.  I thank all of you for the love, support, prayers, hugs and thoughts through out the past year and hope they continue in the years to come.