Think about the following question and then think about how many times you've been asked it and then in turn, how many times you've asked it yourself........do you have any kids? This question is asked when you go to the dentists office. It's asked when you're getting your haircut. Business lunch with a new client? Yep, it's asked then too. Even at a get-together at a friend's house, when you start talking to someone you've never met before, it's asked.
Now think about how you answer. If you have living children, you say yes. You may go into whether you boys or girls, what their names are and their ages. If you don't have children and you want it that way, you say NOOOOOO in a heartbeat. It's a simple question right? Right?
Now think of a parent who's child is an angel. How are they supposed to answer this question. Say no and you feel like you deny your child's existence. There can also be the follow-up of "well why not?" or "oh, you totally should, being a parent is the best feeling in the world!" Simply say yes and the follow-up question of "boy or girl? how old are they?" and "what's their name," gets asked. Now the angel parent makes the person asking uncomfortable.
I've tried several different approaches to answering this question. Simply saying yes leads to the follow-up questions. I can answer the gender question just fine, even his name is easy. How old is he? That's a tough one. I've answered with "we have a son but he doesn't live with us," and then I feel like this person automatically assumes CPS took him from us or I'm divorced and wasn't awarded custody. I answered that way once when we were looking at a house and the neighbor came out to talk to us to explain why there was part of a fence but not the whole thing. I decided I can never answer like that again.
I cannot deny my son and will never deny my son. I've tried answering yes and when the "how old?" question comes around I've tried saying "he will always and forever be 5 weeks and 1 day old." It's apparently not as obvious as one would think. The answer I've found tends to work the best, at least for me, is "we have a son who's an angel in heaven." If you don't add the "in heaven" part then people simply think you think your child is the best in the world and super good.
I'd like to begin a movement and this is where the favor comes in. I move we stop asking this question. When it become normal to include this question in normal, getting to know you, chit-chat. Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? How do you know the person you just asked that question to hasn't been desperately trying for a child for years? Maybe their child just became an angel. Maybe they recently got divorced over this very issue. You just never know. So if you work in a profession where this question gets asked a lot (dentists and their hygienists, sales people and hairdressers come to mind), don't ask it. If you meet someone for the first time, don't ask it. Just don't ask it. You have no idea how hard it can be for a lot of people to answer that question.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Life and a rainbow
It feels like it has been forever since I've written a new post. Life has been so crazy lately and I haven't had a chance to write.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
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