Sorry I haven't written any new posts lately. Life has been extremely hectic and I haven't had a chance to write.
Last weekend I took a giant step. Yes, most if not everything I do on a daily basis these days is a giant step but this one in particular was huge.
We have very good friends and neighbors of ours who's baby is in the NICU and has been since January 24, 2012. He's had a long and difficult road but right now is doing great. These friends have been super supportive of us during this time and we've done the best we can to be as supportive of them as we can be. Last weekend I told them that I wanted to come to the hospital and visit their son again. I had only been up to see him once since he was born and that was months ago.
The four of us went out to lunch and then my husband and my neighbor's husband went to see a movie. The 2 of us girls went to the cemetery to visit Corbin since she hadn't had a chance to visit him yet and then we went to the hospital to see their son. I sat there and watched mother and child interact for a while and then (and I'm still surprised at myself that I did this), I asked if I could hold him! And I did!
You might think, what's the big deal? You simply held a baby. This may not be a big deal to most but this was the first child I've held since we lost Corbin. I had talked to Corbin about it before and he told me if I was going to hold another baby, it was ok to hold our neighbor's because as he always puts it "He's only my best friend on Earth!"
I cried, I sobbed, I wept. Tears streamed down my face. The emotional toll it took on me was insane. It felt good to hold a baby - my arms have been aching for so long, but it also made me miss Corbin that much more. I remembered the happy times when I held Corbin and also remembered the very last time I held him after he had left this earth. I was happy this baby was with us but sad that mine wasn't.
The nurse our friends had that day was a nurse we had when we were in the NICU and she was one of our favorites. She said I looked familiar but couldn't place it. I told her where she knew me and what happened. As I sat there holding our friend's child and bawled, she patted my back and talked to me. It was very sweet of her to do that. At one point our friend's baby fell asleep on my chest and his little hand was on the pendant I wear with Corbin's name and hand print and foot print on it. It was as if he understood the connection.
I never imagined I could ever hold a child again that wasn't my own. I never imagined that at just slightly over 6 months I would do what I did but I knew if ever there was a situation where everyone would be ok with how I reacted and if ever there was a baby that wasn't mine I would hold, it was him. And I'm glad I did it.
