I realize it's been a long time since I last wrote. I apologize for the time gap. As most of you now know, a lot has been going on in our life. We've been working a lot, we've been getting even more settled into our house and most importantly preparing for the arrival of Corbin's little sister at the end of November!
I've wanted to write for a while now but my husband and I had decided to keep the fact that we were expecting private for awhile. Every time I wanted to write, I was afraid I'd spill the beans so I held back. Now that we're "public" a subject for a blog post came to mind and this post is it.
Before I continue I would like to say that the following is not directed at any one person individually. If you're reading this and think "Oh, I did that," it's ok. I understand your perspective. This post is simply written to help explain to a large audience what is going on with me as best as possible to as big of an audience as possible so I don't have to continuously explain.
I'd first like to say thank you all for your love, thoughts and support over the past 19 and a half months. Without it, I don't think we'd be where were today. We've been sincerely blown away by the thoughts and messages we have received. I know there are questions people have but are most likely afraid to ask. I'm still very open to talking about anything and everything but I understand why people are afraid to ask questions/bring up certain topics. In an attempt at understanding and answers to those questions, I figured it's time to address.
"Are you guys excited to be having another child?"
We are absolutely thrilled. We decided very early on that we wanted Corbin to have a sibling. Knowing that our wish has been granted is an amazing feeling. It's one of the greatest things that has happened to us in a long time. Having said that, please keep in mind that we are also extremely nervous and frightened. Regardless of the circumstance of the loss of a child, a loss parent will be even more fearful during a subsequent pregnancy. I understand that my pregnancy wasn't the reason we lost Corbin; however, I now know people who have lost a child at every week of pregnancy and beyond. Being naïve that "it won't happen to me" no longer exists. Please keep this in mind. If I'm speaking to you and confide that I'm scared or worried or nervous or whatever, please don't tell me not to think like that or to "keep happy thoughts, and nothing bad can happen." I wish it worked like that but it doesn't. A simple, "I'm sorry to have to experience that feeling" or "I can only imagine what you're going through" honestly goes a long way.
"So, you're 'all better' now, right?"
It doesn't work like that. This child doesn't replace Corbin and was never created to. If anything, I find myself getting more upset as I realize my "never " list for Corbin now includes doing things with his little sister. Having another child doesn't make a loss parent miss their angel child any less. You can't "fix" losing a child.
Baby Shower
This topic has come up quite a bit in many ways, shapes and forms. I completely understand that everyone has the best intentions. This topic is the one that I'm asking for major compassion and understanding. Please understand that I do not want a baby shower for our daughter. Please understand that I'm not "just saying that." There are many reasons why this is my decision.
(Sorry, I think the easiest way to do this is in a list)
1. This is not my first child. It's my personal opinion that one is to only have a shower for their first child. The fact that my son is no longer here doesn't negate the fact that this will be my second child.
2. We really don't need anything. All of the big items most people need for a baby, we already have.
3. I know this may seem like an irrational point, but I'm afraid of people spending money on things that could possibly sit in a closet and never get used.
4. In order for my mind to remain as calm as possible, we want to have certain aspects of this pregnancy to be different from the pregnancy with Corbin. There have already been some eerie coincidences that have created anxiety for all of us.
I understand that everyone is going to want to spoil our daughter rotten and believe me, we're fine with it. I know everyone loves to buy little girl clothes. Go for it! I honestly don't mind. I just don't want a baby shower.
If you take nothing else away from this post, please take this last bit to heart - Please respect our wishes both today and in the future. We're navigating through unknown and terrifying waters. If you're not sure you should do something - ask. We're not asking that you agree with our decisions but we ask that you be respectful of them. Please understand that after she's born, we are going to be extremely paranoid. We may have requests that seem odd to you. We ask that you try your best to understand. We forever appreciate your kind words, love and prayers.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Realizations and Accountability
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry for that. Life has been very busy and in some ways difficult. Our trip was wonderful yet exhausting. Would do it again in a heart beat though if we could. We've been in our new home for 5 months now. We're settling in well and starting to really make it our own.
This past December marked the first anniversary of Corbin leaving this earth and becoming an angel. The days leading up to the actual date were extremely difficult as was the actual day of and the days after. It's amazing and strange to realize that it has been over a year since we last held him, snuggled him and kissed him.
Since that day, I have been reflecting on where I was (from what I can remember) and where I am now. I know I am in a better place now than I was back then. I also know that I'm still on a difficult journey, both of grief and on finding myself. I've come to the realization that the journey of grief is extremely difficult and never ending, yet for as many times I beg and plead for it to simply be done and over (grief) I also find myself never wanting it to end for I feel a connection to my son.
As for finding myself, I'll be honest. For the longest time, I wasn't even interested in finding that person. I realized my old self was gone and that longing for something that can no longer be gets me no where. However, in the past few weeks I've decided to start finding the new person I have become. For many months I was too afraid to cut my hair. Granted, I have always had issues with getting my hair cut (a few bad hair cuts will do that), but I was too afraid of changing my physical appearance too much to the point Corbin wouldn't recognize his own mother. For what it's worth, I do know that could never happen but grief has a way of making you believe irrational thoughts. This past weekend, I finally cut my hair. I honestly couldn't even tell you how long it has been since I last cut my hair, even the slightest bit. It felt good to do it and I love the new look. I have also started making a very conscious decision to eat better, eat less and exercise. For the past few weeks now I've been doing really well with the food portion and have started ramping up the exercise portion. My goal is to be healthier over all and hopefully lose some weight. I honestly have not lost all the baby weight from Corbin and would love to get down to pre-pregnancy weight and hopefully then some. I'm also trying to work on my over all mental health. I've been working hard to identify the things in my life that bring me down and working on changing what can be changed. I've come to terms with the work history I have, hope to create a career from it and have taken some steps to do just that.
The main reason for this post is to update every one on the goings on in my life and also to hold myself accountable for the things I'm saying I'm going to do. I thank all of you for the love, support, prayers, hugs and thoughts through out the past year and hope they continue in the years to come.
This past December marked the first anniversary of Corbin leaving this earth and becoming an angel. The days leading up to the actual date were extremely difficult as was the actual day of and the days after. It's amazing and strange to realize that it has been over a year since we last held him, snuggled him and kissed him.
Since that day, I have been reflecting on where I was (from what I can remember) and where I am now. I know I am in a better place now than I was back then. I also know that I'm still on a difficult journey, both of grief and on finding myself. I've come to the realization that the journey of grief is extremely difficult and never ending, yet for as many times I beg and plead for it to simply be done and over (grief) I also find myself never wanting it to end for I feel a connection to my son.
As for finding myself, I'll be honest. For the longest time, I wasn't even interested in finding that person. I realized my old self was gone and that longing for something that can no longer be gets me no where. However, in the past few weeks I've decided to start finding the new person I have become. For many months I was too afraid to cut my hair. Granted, I have always had issues with getting my hair cut (a few bad hair cuts will do that), but I was too afraid of changing my physical appearance too much to the point Corbin wouldn't recognize his own mother. For what it's worth, I do know that could never happen but grief has a way of making you believe irrational thoughts. This past weekend, I finally cut my hair. I honestly couldn't even tell you how long it has been since I last cut my hair, even the slightest bit. It felt good to do it and I love the new look. I have also started making a very conscious decision to eat better, eat less and exercise. For the past few weeks now I've been doing really well with the food portion and have started ramping up the exercise portion. My goal is to be healthier over all and hopefully lose some weight. I honestly have not lost all the baby weight from Corbin and would love to get down to pre-pregnancy weight and hopefully then some. I'm also trying to work on my over all mental health. I've been working hard to identify the things in my life that bring me down and working on changing what can be changed. I've come to terms with the work history I have, hope to create a career from it and have taken some steps to do just that.
The main reason for this post is to update every one on the goings on in my life and also to hold myself accountable for the things I'm saying I'm going to do. I thank all of you for the love, support, prayers, hugs and thoughts through out the past year and hope they continue in the years to come.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Reflections
I'm not sure how it's the middle of December already but the end of the year is quickly approaching. As I look at the date, I find myself thinking back on the year and all it's brought to me and my family.
As 2011 became 2012, I remember spending time with very close friends of ours. I cried as the clock struck midnight, scared and unwilling to face an entire year without Corbin. 2011 was filled with such amazing joy and horrendous sorrow. We found out we were having a baby, we found out we were having Corbin and we got to meet him a little earlier than expected. We also had a friend who became an angel too soon, our son became an angel, my grandma got really sick and almost joined Corbin on Christmas and my grandpa was almost scammed out of $3,000. We decided 2012 couldn't be nearly as bad as 2011 and my husband and I vowed to make it so.
At the end of January, my husband and I went to the Bahamas simply to get away from everyone and everything. It was a wonderful vacation filled with beautiful weather and no plans. We sat on beach chairs and stared at the ocean for hours on end. It was exactly what I wanted and exactly what we needed.
Then came the big decision to put our house on the market and move to a new one. In the end, we only moved a few miles from where we previously lived but we felt it was the time for us to move. While we miss our old neighbors, we're very happy with our decision. We've been spending the past few months turning this house into our home. We've got a long way to go but we're getting there.
October 28th was Corbin's first birthday. Before we left for our Mediterranean cruise, we went to visit him, sang happy birthday, left presents, released balloons and ate chocolate cupcakes. We then headed to Chicago to begin the first leg of our 10 day Mediterranean cruise.
The trip was an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity. It wasn't relaxing by any means but we saw a lot of beautiful places and things. When we were in Corfu, Greece, we visited a church where a little old woman was handing out candles. We lit a candle for Corbin on his 11 month angelversary in heaven. We visited several other churches afterwards that had candles you could light. We started calling them "Corbie Candles." Candles were light in Greece, Rome, Sicily and Sorrento. Our little angel is always with us.
Corbin's one year angelversary was on December 3rd. My husband and I both took the day off of work, unsure of how the day would go and knowing we would be useless at work. We visited Corbin and ended up going to Michael's and purchasing a display case for his special things. We spent the afternoon going through his things and putting them in the case. In his case is the outfit we brought him home from the hospital in, his favorite paci, his 3D hand and foot sculpture, the lock of his hair and the card from his funeral. Later in the evening, we watched the video of all the pictures we had of him that was set to special music that we played during his service. We cried at first and then laughed at his goofy faces and poses and remembered all of his quirks. It was an emotional day but we some how made it through.
By many accounts, 2012 has been a much better year than 2011. I still feel lost, my heart is still shattered and I still don't recognize the person I see when I look in the mirror but I keep on going day by day. I hope 2013 is as kind as we face yet another year without our Corbin.
As 2011 became 2012, I remember spending time with very close friends of ours. I cried as the clock struck midnight, scared and unwilling to face an entire year without Corbin. 2011 was filled with such amazing joy and horrendous sorrow. We found out we were having a baby, we found out we were having Corbin and we got to meet him a little earlier than expected. We also had a friend who became an angel too soon, our son became an angel, my grandma got really sick and almost joined Corbin on Christmas and my grandpa was almost scammed out of $3,000. We decided 2012 couldn't be nearly as bad as 2011 and my husband and I vowed to make it so.
At the end of January, my husband and I went to the Bahamas simply to get away from everyone and everything. It was a wonderful vacation filled with beautiful weather and no plans. We sat on beach chairs and stared at the ocean for hours on end. It was exactly what I wanted and exactly what we needed.
Then came the big decision to put our house on the market and move to a new one. In the end, we only moved a few miles from where we previously lived but we felt it was the time for us to move. While we miss our old neighbors, we're very happy with our decision. We've been spending the past few months turning this house into our home. We've got a long way to go but we're getting there.
October 28th was Corbin's first birthday. Before we left for our Mediterranean cruise, we went to visit him, sang happy birthday, left presents, released balloons and ate chocolate cupcakes. We then headed to Chicago to begin the first leg of our 10 day Mediterranean cruise.
The trip was an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity. It wasn't relaxing by any means but we saw a lot of beautiful places and things. When we were in Corfu, Greece, we visited a church where a little old woman was handing out candles. We lit a candle for Corbin on his 11 month angelversary in heaven. We visited several other churches afterwards that had candles you could light. We started calling them "Corbie Candles." Candles were light in Greece, Rome, Sicily and Sorrento. Our little angel is always with us.
Corbin's one year angelversary was on December 3rd. My husband and I both took the day off of work, unsure of how the day would go and knowing we would be useless at work. We visited Corbin and ended up going to Michael's and purchasing a display case for his special things. We spent the afternoon going through his things and putting them in the case. In his case is the outfit we brought him home from the hospital in, his favorite paci, his 3D hand and foot sculpture, the lock of his hair and the card from his funeral. Later in the evening, we watched the video of all the pictures we had of him that was set to special music that we played during his service. We cried at first and then laughed at his goofy faces and poses and remembered all of his quirks. It was an emotional day but we some how made it through.
By many accounts, 2012 has been a much better year than 2011. I still feel lost, my heart is still shattered and I still don't recognize the person I see when I look in the mirror but I keep on going day by day. I hope 2013 is as kind as we face yet another year without our Corbin.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Favor I Ask
Think about the following question and then think about how many times you've been asked it and then in turn, how many times you've asked it yourself........do you have any kids? This question is asked when you go to the dentists office. It's asked when you're getting your haircut. Business lunch with a new client? Yep, it's asked then too. Even at a get-together at a friend's house, when you start talking to someone you've never met before, it's asked.
Now think about how you answer. If you have living children, you say yes. You may go into whether you boys or girls, what their names are and their ages. If you don't have children and you want it that way, you say NOOOOOO in a heartbeat. It's a simple question right? Right?
Now think of a parent who's child is an angel. How are they supposed to answer this question. Say no and you feel like you deny your child's existence. There can also be the follow-up of "well why not?" or "oh, you totally should, being a parent is the best feeling in the world!" Simply say yes and the follow-up question of "boy or girl? how old are they?" and "what's their name," gets asked. Now the angel parent makes the person asking uncomfortable.
I've tried several different approaches to answering this question. Simply saying yes leads to the follow-up questions. I can answer the gender question just fine, even his name is easy. How old is he? That's a tough one. I've answered with "we have a son but he doesn't live with us," and then I feel like this person automatically assumes CPS took him from us or I'm divorced and wasn't awarded custody. I answered that way once when we were looking at a house and the neighbor came out to talk to us to explain why there was part of a fence but not the whole thing. I decided I can never answer like that again.
I cannot deny my son and will never deny my son. I've tried answering yes and when the "how old?" question comes around I've tried saying "he will always and forever be 5 weeks and 1 day old." It's apparently not as obvious as one would think. The answer I've found tends to work the best, at least for me, is "we have a son who's an angel in heaven." If you don't add the "in heaven" part then people simply think you think your child is the best in the world and super good.
I'd like to begin a movement and this is where the favor comes in. I move we stop asking this question. When it become normal to include this question in normal, getting to know you, chit-chat. Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? How do you know the person you just asked that question to hasn't been desperately trying for a child for years? Maybe their child just became an angel. Maybe they recently got divorced over this very issue. You just never know. So if you work in a profession where this question gets asked a lot (dentists and their hygienists, sales people and hairdressers come to mind), don't ask it. If you meet someone for the first time, don't ask it. Just don't ask it. You have no idea how hard it can be for a lot of people to answer that question.
Now think about how you answer. If you have living children, you say yes. You may go into whether you boys or girls, what their names are and their ages. If you don't have children and you want it that way, you say NOOOOOO in a heartbeat. It's a simple question right? Right?
Now think of a parent who's child is an angel. How are they supposed to answer this question. Say no and you feel like you deny your child's existence. There can also be the follow-up of "well why not?" or "oh, you totally should, being a parent is the best feeling in the world!" Simply say yes and the follow-up question of "boy or girl? how old are they?" and "what's their name," gets asked. Now the angel parent makes the person asking uncomfortable.
I've tried several different approaches to answering this question. Simply saying yes leads to the follow-up questions. I can answer the gender question just fine, even his name is easy. How old is he? That's a tough one. I've answered with "we have a son but he doesn't live with us," and then I feel like this person automatically assumes CPS took him from us or I'm divorced and wasn't awarded custody. I answered that way once when we were looking at a house and the neighbor came out to talk to us to explain why there was part of a fence but not the whole thing. I decided I can never answer like that again.
I cannot deny my son and will never deny my son. I've tried answering yes and when the "how old?" question comes around I've tried saying "he will always and forever be 5 weeks and 1 day old." It's apparently not as obvious as one would think. The answer I've found tends to work the best, at least for me, is "we have a son who's an angel in heaven." If you don't add the "in heaven" part then people simply think you think your child is the best in the world and super good.
I'd like to begin a movement and this is where the favor comes in. I move we stop asking this question. When it become normal to include this question in normal, getting to know you, chit-chat. Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? How do you know the person you just asked that question to hasn't been desperately trying for a child for years? Maybe their child just became an angel. Maybe they recently got divorced over this very issue. You just never know. So if you work in a profession where this question gets asked a lot (dentists and their hygienists, sales people and hairdressers come to mind), don't ask it. If you meet someone for the first time, don't ask it. Just don't ask it. You have no idea how hard it can be for a lot of people to answer that question.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Life and a rainbow
It feels like it has been forever since I've written a new post. Life has been so crazy lately and I haven't had a chance to write.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
A few months ago my husband and I made the giant decision to put our house on the market and look into moving. The decision was long and difficult as we wanted a bigger and nicer home and a fresh start to leave some bad memories behind. At the same time, it was difficult for us to choose to leave the only home our son has ever known. We finally decided (after discussing on and off for a year or so) that now was the time. We listed our home and about 45 days and 3 offers later we finally sold it. The buyer asked for a 30 day closing, which is quick. We were unable to put an offer on another home until we had an accepted offer on ours so we faced a major time crunch if we wanted to move into a new home without putting everything in storage and living with friends or family for a few weeks.
With 23 days until we had to be out of our current house, we found one we really liked, outbid another offer and had the offer accepted. Better yet - the house we bought was vacant so the seller of that home was accommodate our need for a home in 23 days. The new house is everything we could ask for and more. It's twice the size of our current home and has more bedrooms, a basement and a much bigger backyard. It's been hectic trying to work, pack and handle all of the things necessary to move. We finally moved in on August 24th.
We've been in the new house for almost a month now and we're still getting things settled. One of my first goals was to get Corbin's room painted the same color his room was at the other house and get all of his things back up. It took the entire Labor Day weekend but it's finally finished and everything is as it should be and without planning it that way, I ended up finishing Corbin's room on his 9 month Angelversary.
The Rainbow
Now that we have our dream home, our next plan is to try for a rainbow? Wait, what? A rainbow? How do you try for a rainbow? Think about the times when you see a rainbow. You see them when a storm is still continuing yet the sun is also shining. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often refer to their subsequent children as "rainbow babies." The "storm" of grief is not over, nor will it ever be, but at the same time, there's hope for a brighter future. We'd like to make Corbin a big brother. If we're blessed to have a rainbow, that child will know all about their big brother Corbin as he will forever be a part of our lives and our family. The journey of having a rainbow is a difficult one. So many things already mess with my mind and I already sit and try to figure out how either of us are going to get any sort of sleep if/when we have our rainbow, as I know one of us will always be watching him/her sleep.
So that's my update on life. We've had many positive things going on, yet the journey is still a difficult one. I hope now that life has calmed down at least a little bit, I'll have more time to write and more feelings to share.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Giant Step
Sorry I haven't written any new posts lately. Life has been extremely hectic and I haven't had a chance to write.
Last weekend I took a giant step. Yes, most if not everything I do on a daily basis these days is a giant step but this one in particular was huge.
We have very good friends and neighbors of ours who's baby is in the NICU and has been since January 24, 2012. He's had a long and difficult road but right now is doing great. These friends have been super supportive of us during this time and we've done the best we can to be as supportive of them as we can be. Last weekend I told them that I wanted to come to the hospital and visit their son again. I had only been up to see him once since he was born and that was months ago.
The four of us went out to lunch and then my husband and my neighbor's husband went to see a movie. The 2 of us girls went to the cemetery to visit Corbin since she hadn't had a chance to visit him yet and then we went to the hospital to see their son. I sat there and watched mother and child interact for a while and then (and I'm still surprised at myself that I did this), I asked if I could hold him! And I did!
You might think, what's the big deal? You simply held a baby. This may not be a big deal to most but this was the first child I've held since we lost Corbin. I had talked to Corbin about it before and he told me if I was going to hold another baby, it was ok to hold our neighbor's because as he always puts it "He's only my best friend on Earth!"
I cried, I sobbed, I wept. Tears streamed down my face. The emotional toll it took on me was insane. It felt good to hold a baby - my arms have been aching for so long, but it also made me miss Corbin that much more. I remembered the happy times when I held Corbin and also remembered the very last time I held him after he had left this earth. I was happy this baby was with us but sad that mine wasn't.
The nurse our friends had that day was a nurse we had when we were in the NICU and she was one of our favorites. She said I looked familiar but couldn't place it. I told her where she knew me and what happened. As I sat there holding our friend's child and bawled, she patted my back and talked to me. It was very sweet of her to do that. At one point our friend's baby fell asleep on my chest and his little hand was on the pendant I wear with Corbin's name and hand print and foot print on it. It was as if he understood the connection.
I never imagined I could ever hold a child again that wasn't my own. I never imagined that at just slightly over 6 months I would do what I did but I knew if ever there was a situation where everyone would be ok with how I reacted and if ever there was a baby that wasn't mine I would hold, it was him. And I'm glad I did it.
Last weekend I took a giant step. Yes, most if not everything I do on a daily basis these days is a giant step but this one in particular was huge.
We have very good friends and neighbors of ours who's baby is in the NICU and has been since January 24, 2012. He's had a long and difficult road but right now is doing great. These friends have been super supportive of us during this time and we've done the best we can to be as supportive of them as we can be. Last weekend I told them that I wanted to come to the hospital and visit their son again. I had only been up to see him once since he was born and that was months ago.
The four of us went out to lunch and then my husband and my neighbor's husband went to see a movie. The 2 of us girls went to the cemetery to visit Corbin since she hadn't had a chance to visit him yet and then we went to the hospital to see their son. I sat there and watched mother and child interact for a while and then (and I'm still surprised at myself that I did this), I asked if I could hold him! And I did!
You might think, what's the big deal? You simply held a baby. This may not be a big deal to most but this was the first child I've held since we lost Corbin. I had talked to Corbin about it before and he told me if I was going to hold another baby, it was ok to hold our neighbor's because as he always puts it "He's only my best friend on Earth!"
I cried, I sobbed, I wept. Tears streamed down my face. The emotional toll it took on me was insane. It felt good to hold a baby - my arms have been aching for so long, but it also made me miss Corbin that much more. I remembered the happy times when I held Corbin and also remembered the very last time I held him after he had left this earth. I was happy this baby was with us but sad that mine wasn't.
The nurse our friends had that day was a nurse we had when we were in the NICU and she was one of our favorites. She said I looked familiar but couldn't place it. I told her where she knew me and what happened. As I sat there holding our friend's child and bawled, she patted my back and talked to me. It was very sweet of her to do that. At one point our friend's baby fell asleep on my chest and his little hand was on the pendant I wear with Corbin's name and hand print and foot print on it. It was as if he understood the connection.
I never imagined I could ever hold a child again that wasn't my own. I never imagined that at just slightly over 6 months I would do what I did but I knew if ever there was a situation where everyone would be ok with how I reacted and if ever there was a baby that wasn't mine I would hold, it was him. And I'm glad I did it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Answers to Questions
Sorry that I've been MIA for a while. My husband and I have decided we're going to put our house on the market and we've been busy preparing the house. It's been exhausting but also nice to have a bit of a distraction. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post where I asked all of you to ask me any questions you may have for me. Thank you to all of you that asked questions.
What have you done with Corbin's things?
All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him. That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib. His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top. His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it. When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.
Are we going to try to have another baby?
Yes. We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday. Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another. We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.
Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?
Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet. I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there. We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there. I also can't go to a toy store. I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.
What is a typical day like for you?
I get up at 5:30 during the week. I work from 6-3:30 normally. After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything. I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most. I take Granger for a walk everyday. If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.
How often do you go to the cemetery?
It sort of depends. Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by. We try to go at least once a month but it varies.
When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?
Yes. They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart. They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him. They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing. We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." I'll be honest. At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover. I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.
Are things getting better for you?
I don't like to use the word "better." It just doesn't seem to fit the situation. We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it. As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise. The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart. I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.
Again, thank you for asking these questions. If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you for all your love and support.
What have you done with Corbin's things?
All of Corbin's things are pretty much as they were the day we lost him. That is going to have to change soon with getting the house ready to put on the market but his swaddler is still in his crib. His swing is still in the corner of our living room with the last blanket we used draped over the top. His favorite paci is still on the ledge next to it. When we move, Corbin will still have a room in the new house.
Are we going to try to have another baby?
Yes. We're going on a Mediterranean cruise that actually leaves on Corbin's birthday. Once we return, we're going to begin trying to have another. We figure the trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity and we also wanted some time to attempt to adjust to our new normal.
Is there anything you just can't seem to bring yourself to do?
Not that the opportunity has come up yet but I'm not at the point where I can hold a baby yet. I've only been to Target once since we lost Corbin and I about lost it when I was there. We spent so much time at Target preparing for him that I just feel I can't go there. I also can't go to a toy store. I also can't bring myself to wash the dirty clothes in his hamper.
What is a typical day like for you?
I get up at 5:30 during the week. I work from 6-3:30 normally. After work, I try to keep myself busy with housework or yard work or really just anything. I've found it's when I'm sitting and watching TV that my mind wanders the most. I take Granger for a walk everyday. If the weather is nice, these walks can be trying - even in the middle of the day because there are so many kids in our neighborhood that I'm bound to see at least one if not several women pushing strollers and that's still very tough for me to see.
How often do you go to the cemetery?
It sort of depends. Whenever I'm in the area (which I am a lot) I always stop by. We try to go at least once a month but it varies.
When Corbin passed, did the hospital give you anything?
Yes. They put his hand and footprint on a ceramic heart. They did take pictures (they're typically for parents who's babies were born sleeping and so they never had a chance for pictures) and I guess (we never saw them) the laid a little stuffed dog by him. They gave us that and they also cut off a bit of his hair and wrapped it in a plush blanket thing. We also received a book called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry. There are No Tears in Heaven." I'll be honest. At first I was upset they gave us that and for weeks it sat on my dining room table with the cover facing down because I couldn't bear to even look at the cover. I've since read it and it's a wonderful book even if it does make me cry.
Are things getting better for you?
I don't like to use the word "better." It just doesn't seem to fit the situation. We never will "get over it" or "deal" with it. As time passes, we learn better coping skills for when triggers arise. The rough days are starting to become a bit further apart. I still have days, still have moments but I'm learning how to handle them better.
Again, thank you for asking these questions. If there are more that weren't answered, I'll be happy to answer them. Thank you for all your love and support.
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